I WRITED TV

So today, for the first time in a while, I watched an episode of House with a buddy.

Weird time to do that - the episode featured a hallucinating Dr. House subconsciously trying to kill a patient and a friend.

Now, this got me thinking...House has got some internal conflict going on, and it already is visualizing that internal conflict in a bizarre way. So why not take a step further?

It was my friend who suggested the idea that House could solve his problem by entering his own mind and doing battle with the horrible evil residing in it. And after that, I came up with the idea that the battle ends up splitting House into two people, just like in a thousand dumb cartoons! It could the basis for an entire season.

One House could be the good one - compassionate. But he'd also be completely inept. The other House would be the evil House - sadistic, but at the same time, brilliant. Now the staff has to figure out how to put House back together, but which House do they want to be the dominant personality?

This is what I'd do if I wrote House. It would be promptly cancelled.

(Actually, they wouldn't need to go with the goofier angle for it at all. Just make House suffer from multiple personalities. Same effect, but without the fantasy filth polluting the show about the funny doctor man who should be fired five times a day.)

Hidy Hole

This week is a non-school week. I hope to get things done. Also, Street Fighter.

I've always been thinking of finishing the two other parts of this, just in time for the one year anniversary of the game's release. Boy, doing something to celebrate a year since the release of one game sure sounds pathetic, but you must remember that this game in particular basically absorbed my life for almost two years. Wait, that only makes me sound even more pathetic. I have nowhere to go...

Wow, I can't believe Conan leaves this week. It just seemed to creep up on us all. I don't know how to feel; I've been watching this show for 8 years now, and now it's going to be gone, replaced by a retard pandering to an audience of idiots. Okay, at best, it could just be transferred to a different time slot (where I'd miss it due to work most of the time).

What a strange time we live in.

Harr

Creative writing is just "there", but sort of refreshing because I am forced to actually write stuff instead of just daydreaming about it.

On one hand the project I recently finished for it has the beginnings of the evolution of my style. On the other hand, it still feels a bit lacking. Hopefully I will improve that, because I plan on doing something similar to it for my final project.

Ohhhhh faculty strike at school. First week will be used to get as much work done as possible, but more than one week and we're looking at a fucked up year. And then I will angered, and will write something slightly perturbed in the paper, I tell you what!

Oh and I guess Nintendo news on Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Last year at this time they revealed Sonic in Smash Bros., but since there's nothing possibly akin to that this year, I have no expectations (I didn't even have expectations for anything last year, and then look what happened!) I decided to stop expecting videogame shit to happen, and just let it happen. Becomes more exciting that way. So no, unlike every Nintendo fanboy out on the webz expecting Kid Icarus to come back (HINT: It's never going to happen), I'll just wait and see what they'll actually show, not expect them to cater to my nerd whims.

Hrm

The day before the gaming convention. I guess I'm okay. I've been working a lot recently, and that's about it.

Cashier work is alright. I kind of miss the wild freedom of being a bagger (and it's there, dammit!), but I guess more hours is good and all. Plus, I get to interact, with people! That's good, isn't it?

Aside from that, my friend and I have been working extra hard on making our comic work and plan the thing out. It's been going good. But this sort of thing is for that Chamber of Dread thing I'm doing, isn't it?

Finally, something actually worth posting about

I am happy to inform the world that I have been chosen to be News Editor of The Quill for the upcoming year. I was able to bullshit my way to the top, I guess.

I know this position will be a lot of work. I know I will need to bone up on my fact checking and interview skills, as well as learn how to fill space and meet deadlines. It will be another job, pretty much. But I must be willing to weather the difficulties to get to the delicious, caramel-covered benefits and fun. I mean, at the very least, my name and visage will appear biweekly for slack-jawed gawkers to ogle and berate.

It's going to be an interesting year.

This

Has it really been more than a week since I last posted? Alas, it has. Sorry 'bout that.

Been reading Cloud Atlas. It's definitely an interesting book, what with it's unusual structure and constant tonal changes. I can't help but feel it's a bit...too enamored with it's own clever characters at times, but nothing too obnoxious.

Also read the three Planetary trades and volumes 7 and 8 of Sandman. Now everything on my rack has been used at least once. It was enjoyable, and I must get more comics soon.

Well, soon enough, my laptop will leave my home and go get hinge repairs. I've been planning this for...three weeks now? I spent the first freaking out because the company is required to check my computer for illegal things (of which I have none, but plenty of nerdy crap I don't want anybody to look at and judge me from afar with). But I have since backup'd everything (which I needed to do anyway) and deleted it. So it is good to go, I'm just too lazy to make the call and get my number before giving the thing to Staples. Sigh.

You know what? Finding Your Webcomic is Bad was probably a good thing for me. Reading these criticisms has made me re-examine the ideas I pursue and how I write. I try to make characters far more defined, think about trying to create more original plots, hell even tweak my mind's eye view of designs. But even so, after reading Sandman, I can't help but want to dream up similar things. I need a voice o' my own, dammit!

In the 'How' files...

How can something like this happen? How could I not know about it until now. How come I like that slightly stylized Noheart (if you consider 'bad' to be a style) so much?

**************************************

Now, um, Street Fighter IV. It was announced months ago, but only now do I feel like responding to it.

Now, being a big fan of the series, specifically Street Fighter III, this is somewhat a whirlpool of reactions we have so far. On one hand, yay new Street Fighter!. Yay, Japanese developers! But on the other hand, too much trying to be Street Fighter II again! No parrying (or so it seems)! I've played the original 8 SF characters to death at this point!

But still, the new gameplay concepts intrigue me. As much as the game looks to be trying to recapture the spirit of SFII, the new focus on intuition and sacrifice sounds like it could mix things up quite a bit. I also like the rough, cartoony graphical style that others seemingly don't.

The two new announced characters...aren't bad, but I've seen nothing of their fighting styles and thus can't have much of an opinion on them at this point. Their character designs are okay, not all too creative (especially Mr. Blue Gi Aryan), but they have potential. I hope they bring in a luchador too (specifically, El Stingray from Saturday Night Slam Masters. C'mon, they love these kinds of cameos!)

So yeah, can't wait. Online play, too.

******************

I watched Robocop on TV over the weekend. Made me want to write corporate dialogue all week. It is a good movie indeed.

MEANWHILE, EARLIER THIS WEEK...

I probably should've posted this earlier, but here be the article and comic strip I had published in the new issue of The Quill:



I was reading some older issues and found a letter to the editor complaining about the direction of The Quill at that time (early 2003). They also complained about the comics, done by someone I know. I wonder if my useless junk articles and insane/inane comic strips, this one working quite well with the art editor's Catholic Priest-flavoured comics, will get the same level of hate mail? Maybe when next time, when I plan to make fun of Tim Roller...

Anyway, for your enjoyment, the many things a wannabe writer with autistic tendencies does with his free time:

1) THE SERIES SYNOPSIS - I've had comic book concepts cooking for years, and now that I have some level of confidence in my ability to have coherent ideas, I feel like writing it down in a permanent way. Of course, I still edit and rethink the things constantly, but I still like to get my general character profiles and story ideas recorded.

2)MAKIN' VIJAGAMES - Continuing since I was like 6 or 7, I often still do basic design work for video games, most of the time based on the series profiled in those synopses. Often, these video games are there just for me to have something entertaining to imagine while doing menial things...like work. More recently, it's been mostly arcade-style beat-em-ups and Smash Bros.-style fighting games (go figure) featuring my universe of crazy characters. Since I can't think of my own music, these games always feature music from other games or David Bowie.

3)Looking up old cartoons on wikipedia, because you only come across true gems like The Turk once in a blue moon. The best ideas I use in stolen/parody form in activity #1.

4)Making blog posts that drone on and on about things nobody cares about.

Challengers by TEH NEW PORNOGRAPHERS

I was going to write an actual, honest-to-God review of this for the first issue of The Quill, but since the deadline is tomorrow and I still haven't gotten in contact with the Arts editor, I'm not going to bother. I'll be sure to get into every other issue afterwards, though, as once the year starts I will have easy access to the office and those that inhabit it.

Challengers is a different album from TNP. There's only two songs here that I would say fit in with their past work, and even they use a slightly different style. But you know what? I applaud them for doing something different, and successfully at that.

Like all their work, the album flows perfectly. There are really no songs that I would skip on regular listen-throughs. The lyrics are still eccentric and fun, and the singing is still smooth as ever. They are just trying something slightly less bombastic, and using a much greater variety of instruments and composition styles as before. The 5th song, 'All The Things that Go To Make Heaven & Earth' has a pretty rockin' piccolo in the background. Yes, a rockin' piccolo.

It seems like a lot of critics are down on this album because it's different. It certainly is different, but I love it all the same. I'd say it's worth picking up, for a rockin' piccolo and more.

The Weakerthans new album is coming out in a month, and they're experimenting, too. Can't wait for that one.

*****

In other news, I finished my first comic script and sent it for review to my collaborator. It took nearly a month to hammer that thing into first draft completion, and it's more of a filler thing setting up the motus operandi of the antagonists. If there's one thing I don't honestly know will go over well with potential readers this early, it's two issues of talking heads (which pretty much describes what we wrote to a tee), but we'll see.

That is, if we ever get to the point of being able to publish this monstrosity, which would involve finding an artist and inker, or an artist/inker. Not just an artist/inker/artistinker, but one that would be willing to take a dual-nerd dictatorship, and for very little pay. It's too bad neither of us ever took a complete pursuit of art, because that would have taken out the middle man entirely. So it goes.

On Junior Script Writing Part 2

I guess I don't get to edit the University paper this year :( Although, I can still contribute to the paper, and I may or may not pay attention to deadlines. Pity the person who got my job.

My friend finally finished his script, and I'm onto to mine. You know, it really is hard to fill 24 pages (the standard in comics, I think) with content. Especially when I don't cheat and use a bunch of splash pages for no reason. Maybe future scripts with more meat to the concept will be easier to write.

On the process of junior script writing

My friend has taken it upon himself to begin writing the first script for our colloborative effort comic. Having spent the last few months reading Sandman, which is definelty a plus. But he wants to fill the first five pages with nothing but images and psuedo-psychological babble. I may need to make sure he doesn't go completely off into pretention (keep in mind, this a sci-fi action/adventure series which features a humanoid fox, a demon cowboy, and a super baseball player as main characters), despite his contention that he knows when not to get too 'arty'.

Things are starting to get interesting.

End of a book

Last night I finished Douglas Adams' Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency. It was all I could expect from Adams' work, and I quite enjoyed it. Not nearly as much as the Hitch Hiker's Guide series, but that honestly changed my whole view on everything. You can't expect an enjoyable novel to outdo a literary experience.

Ah, research. I've been delving into the drug culture for this, looking up names like Hunter S. Thompson, William Burroughs, and Timothy Leary. All to help produce a comic 'concept' (as I've mentioned before, they will remain 'concepts' until we can actually get someone to illustrate them and get them published) with a very Grant Morrison-y idea. My co-creator has never read any Grant Morrison comics, so I guess that's my field.

End of a thing

Civil War #7 came out today, so this is going to spoilerific.



Ready?



Are you sure want to read the rest?


Okay, this is the last warning.




So, Cap decides to turn himself in after the citizens of NYC pull him off of Iron Man and show the damage the war's done. Hercules breaks Clor. Reed and Sue decide to get back together. The gubberment wins, and drafts all the heroes into the army. Iron Man becomes director of SHIELD.

I agree with the sentiment that it should end with the Pro side winning, as it actually has an impact on the line as a whole, with certain heroes now soldiers and others now fugitives. It's an interesting dynamic and can prove to produce some interesting stories over the next few months. Not that in the scheme of things I am for the Registration concept...I still have my suspension of belief when it comes to superhero universes.

Of course, it is to be realized that the new status quo will fizzle by next year, possibly in a grand spectacle. Possibly Soldier heroes are sent to invade an alien planet/place on Earth and come to question the government. Or the Red Skull becomes President. I wouldn't put the latter out of the realm of possibility considering the track record the Marvel U public has, as they have in the past supported mini-Hitlers and large death-dealing robots that have the extremely likely chance of rebelling at any point. Call that a prediction, and also a rip-off of DC.

Quality-wise, Civil War has generally been considered hackery (although initial reactions seemed a bit more enthusiastic). This is not surprising, considering that Mark Millar has never been praised for his use of politics in comics (see: his run of The Authority). I will praise him for balancing the two sides by giving them both moments of utter stupidity (Pro-Reg has Clor and hiring serial killers as law enforcers; Anti-Reg has "let's let the Punisher shoot people at random intervals!"). But the concept was at least intriguing.

Next, World War Hulk and Silent War, which I am curious to see. I don't know how well they'll turn out, but they are shorter than the current batch of crossovers, so they don't rape your wallet entirely. Could be fun, could be not.

****

In other comics news, my collaborator/friend might be going to people he knows who can actually draw and see what they can do with our comic concept, which we have been discussing at length over the last few days. Not to say we're going to get something published over the next year, but it's a step in the direction of actually taking it seriously. Once we've gone over everything (art and story-wise), later on I could try producing scripts.

It's Poe-i-tree time!

I don't think I posted my mediocre Scarecrow poem on here, have I?

Well, either way, here it is, because I can't think of anything else to write about tonight :(

*********************************************************************

The scarecrow, he no longer wanted to do nothing
Standing in the farmer’s field, day after day
Barely scaring off the birds he was ‘sposed to
So, at the dawn of the day
The scarecrow got off his post in the field
And walked away, far away
From the field, from the farm, from the birds
From the farmer, from the the life he once had
Onto something more, more than before
The scarecrow walked away
For the life that is more than before

The scarecrow walked far down the road
Searching, looking, watching
For more, more than before
More than sitting in the field
Not scaring away the birds like he ‘sposed
The scarecrow looked for more
But more is an elusive beast
Who hides in the cover of promises
That never quite pan out
And a world that has only a place for few
And nothing for many
But the scarecrow refused to believe
That he was one of the many
He couldn’t let himself be drowned
In doubt, in dread, in hopelessness
For he knew that more was for him
And he would find it, eventually

For months and months and months
The scarecrow fought
Fought with luck
Fought with emotion
Fought with the world
The prize being something more
The scarecrow was undaunted
From the slings and the arrows
That existence shot at him
And the roads that lead nowhere
For he knew that in the end
It was all for something more
Something more was the key
Key to a life that would be filled
With fulfillment, with joy
And so he went on
Went on through the pain
That the world inflicted upon him
So that he can one day reap the rewards
Of the greater life

Time passed and passed
And the scarecrow persisted
But he was not at the best anymore
The tiniest of despair
Had now invaded his soul
‘What if I never find something more?
What if it was never there for me?
What if I wasted all this time
Looking for the better life
Traveling a thousand roads
When it was never there for me?
But even when he questioned his own attempts
To find something more
He continued
If only to try and prove himself wrong

But the line had ended
The scarecrow had nowhere else to go
Something more was either cloaked in eternal dark
that he could never see through
Or it was never there, never there for him
The scarecrow, exhausted and numb
Knew when he was finished
And so, he walked back
Back to the farm
Back to the farmer
Back to the field
Back to his post
Back to the birds he doesn’t scare like he’s ‘sposed
For it was quite apparent
That something more was not for him
And that the life he began with
Was the life he would keep
Forevermore.
************************************************************************

Truly uplifting material.

Daily Grind: 1/27/07

I'm going to be lazy today!

Remember this?

Add this to it,

and you get this:

Samuel jackson is tha leada of tha mole thugz who have a secret plant ta create a giant baskin robbins T-H-to-tha-izzat wizzy tizzle every orthodox jew n shizzark wanna be gangsta into wooden wombats unless michae stipe, invada zim, n tha reincarnated heezee of george jefferson find tha golden tizzle pouch which when combined witta picture of a whale in tha sky, tha first issue of cat fancy, a steel roll'n pizzin, n tha book of mormon creates a giant robot in tha shape of a double shiznit oreo cookie who wizzy proceed ta fly into space, find tha nearest 7-11 n buy three bags of nachos n some old brownies, which he wizzy shiznit into a cracka on tha moon, thus summon'n tha digruntled spirit of fumanchu, who wizzay go on a rampage when he paints jimmy rappa fence bitch ass nigga. jimmy W-to-tha-izzill call fumanchu a pusha n will be turned into a ivory-billed woodpecka by tha ancient god of apple motherfucka n is banished ta tha liv'n island of krakatoa so he could wrestle in a ring mizzy out recycled tin cans n gizzle milk against ric romero, in whizzich tha victor W-to-tha-izzill acquire a laserdisc copy of eraserheezee which wizzle put in tha last jukebox friznom tha year 1972 wizzill create a field of cheese T-H-to-tha-izzat wiznill cause samuel jackson ta become addicted ta mcgrittles, gang bangin' tha mole peoples plans once n fo` all.

Daily Grind: 1/25/07

Stupid sickness! I could be DOING THINGS. Can't do nothing about it, though, so I'll just post here early.

I've been really bad with not finishing things recently. It's mainly games, especially longer games. I just find myself not playing them after a while. It's a complete waste, I know, and I really should get back to playing them.

Okay...what else...uhhhh....well, I could tell you about an idea for a TV series I have. Well, it's not really an idea for the series itself, but for some concept any TV series could use. I'm sure you're totally interested, totally.

Basically, it goes like this: Have a show that lasts about 2 or 3 seasons with a certain story/cast of characters. And then, in the season after you've established those characters and stories firmly...have it star a bunch of brand new characters. You can eventually tie into the past series, or maybe even return to that concept after a while.

Doesn't it sound completely annoying? Especially in a TV show that apparently is popular enough to warrant staying on that long? That's the point, it would be loverly to see how the audience would react.

Some comic fans may recognize this as similar to the disastrous relaunch of Thunderbolts. I haven't read that storyline, so I don't think that inspired me. I honestly don't know where the idea came from...it might be from my speculation of what would happen in the second season of Venture Brothers, and then I just fell in love with the idea.

I never expect any sane television writer to attempt this. Which is fine, because it would be something I would like to attempt. This is dependent on me getting a writing gig on a television series (preferably something I created myself), but I'll probably attempt it. I do want to be a omni-scribe.

Speaking of writing, I heard it's one of the most horrible jobs one can attempt to get into. But then again, you don't know the knife is sharp until you cut yourself on it...right? Right?

Daily Grind: 1/20/07

Wow, there's a whole lot of nothin' going on. This is what Saturday's without work are like? Pretty much.

I guess my friends and I are going to make a musical. No, we are not professional filmmakers, not in the slightest. You could hardly call it a musical, because we can't sing and the accompanying instruments will be played haphazardly (except possibly the guitar, which one of my friends actually knows how to play). I'm not responsible for writing the 'songs', but I've been assigned the job of scripting (which will be more of a suggestion than anything else).

This, and all the other movie projects we have pursued, exists only to amuse us. Hell, I'll probably never even post them on YouTube to frollick among the worthless prjects. However, the whole thing is composed entirely of in-jokes, so it's probably for the better.

I'm glad I'm getting a chance to write a script. Even if it doesn't mean anything in the long run (Us? Memorize things?), it would still give me some experience for later possibilities. If I am to be an all-purpose writing unit, I have to get some skill writing all sorts of things.

Daily Grind: 1/16/07

You know what? I liked the 2003 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. I honestly believe it was one of the best Saturday morning cartoons in years (albeit, it's not the competition is fierce.) I'm not saying it's some sort of animation benchmark, but it did things I never expected from it's type.

I like the fact that it had ongoing plots. I liked the fact that it had some semblance of character development. I also like how it did some direct adaptations of Eastman & Laird's original comic (toned down, of course. It is a kids show.)

I agree that since this is a kids show with ambition, when it falls, it falls harder than the 80s version, which was really content with being an 80s SA.M. show (bad animation and dialogue aplenty, although I still have affection for it.) And I found the first season to be kinda boring. Once they started introducing more Sci-Fi elements, and even later when they brought in the government agency subplot, the show really started to pick up, though. The Battle Nexus stuff was super duper awesome.

So there. The new TMNT is good. If you're watching Yu-Gi-Oh! rather than it, I want to punch you. GRRRRR CARTOONS ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS!

In other news...

I got Wario Ware: Smooth Moves today. Fun so far, and it really does make you look like you're fighting invisible demons crawling all over your skin. Yes, even more than most Wii games. I can't wait to play it in a group.

I've spent the last couple of days typing out synopses for some of my comic book ideas I'd love to pursue some day. It's enjoyable for me, as I pool together all those ideas that I've been developing for years now. Now, to get an artist that can draw things that don't suck...

Edit: I also don't like the 'preview' still of yesterday's video.

Countdown and Other Strangeness

Unfortunately, the whole novel thing isn't coming along so well. It's already half-way through the month and I'm at 12000 words...and a little out of ideas. And with tons more distractions in the following weeks, I doubt I will finish it in time. Oh well, it was fun, and I will probably finish that book eventually.

Been playing Sega Genesis Collection and Elite Beat Agents for a week now, and I just bought Capcom Classics Collection Volume 2 yesterday. Lots of fun to be had there. But it's a merely a distraction from tomorrow's onslaught...Wiiiiiii! Even thought I'm going to have to wait until Monday to get one(the particular store is holding one for me, so I shouldn't be an ass to them), but maybe I'll get some of the games and accessories and junk before then to lighten Monday's load. Impressions for all these things will come.

Now, onto to comic matters...I doubt you could find a worse supervillain in history than Egg-Fu, the giant, communist, asian stereotype egg with a killer mustache. Really, just think hard and try to. You can't, can you? Well, a few weeks back he made his reappearance in 52, looking surreal and creepy. No mustache, but still a giant freaking egg. I guess that's pretty cool. But it only reminds me that I can't wait to see what Jeff Smith does with the Monster Society of Evil.

Finally, it's only 10 more days until the first anniversary of when I began this blog.

I'm writing a novel!

Here's an excerpt from William Haphazard in Weird World! (Note: I have not read this over again, so don't blame me for bad editing if you spot a typo. I didn't edit it at all.) I'm up to 4,470 words (I've got a long way to go.)
****

I.
When William awoke, the first thing he saw was the grass, darkened by the shadow of his self. Grass was a normal thing, was it not? So then, he couldn’t have gone anywhere, could he? Why was he unconscious in the first place? Was he attacked? Hit on the head by falling construction material? But wait, if that were it, wouldn’t someone have found him and then transported to a hospital? So, either he is currently somewhere remote, or people are jerks.
William picked himself up, which seemed like the logical thing to do, as the view face-against-the-ground wasn’t exactly stunning. After brushing himself off, William studied his surroundings. It was the most generic, bland green field he had ever seen. This was surely a sign that he was no longer where he wanted to be. The beautiful, blue, cloudless sky…the gentle breeze…the birds singing in perfect harmony…all indicators of something sinister.
There was also a dirt path a few steps from where William stood and this snaked along the field as if to be clever, as being completely straight would have sufficed. Ahead, the path ended at a very old-fashioned stone house. It was like he fell into the 18th century. And if there was one scenario William was not capable of handling. Time travel is definitely beyond his set of comfortable experiences.
This all happened in a manner of minutes, less than 5 but more than 2. Narrowing it down further would require math beyond human comprehension (or less apathy). At this point, William really didn’t feel like dwelling into what got him there, it seemed a completely tertiary subject. Primary was to find out where he was, secondary to see who lived in the stone house. He decided to find these things out in reverse order, just to shake things up. And so, William walked along the unnecessarily convoluted path to the house.
When he reached the door, he stopped for a moment. What kind of person or thing will he meet? Will it be friendly, or will it be cannibalistic? After a few moments, William was leaning more to the latter, as the perfect blandness of the setting led to an uneasy feeling. But he still let the rest of his self go to the polls before making his decision.
Before the last pieces of William’s mind could exact their democratic rights, the door slowly opened. This was unexpected, as William concluded beforehand that he would at least decide what he would do before he died suddenly. He didn’t die suddenly, though. He was actually quite alive suddenly. William peeked inside the house. It wasn’t incredibly bright, as the light through the windows was the only thing illuminating it. There were only a few pieces of furniture: a single antique-looking chair, and rows upon rows of book shelves that were absolutely overflowing. He had no idea how this rather small abode could hold so many shelves. It was certainly a miracle of organization and fine-tuned furniture placement, a miracle William never thought he would see, mostly because it seemed rather worthless.
“I’ve been expecting you. Come on in.” A voice from inside boomed.
William had no desire to anger whoever the voice belonged to, even if it was a six-year-old. He’s very kind that way. So, he did as the voice said, and stepped inside. When he saw where the voice came from, he stood motionless, facial expression stuck in a bizarre mixture of astonishment and confusion.
“I really should introduce myself. I am called The Smartest Being In the Universe because…I’m the Smartest Being in the Universe.”
“You’re…a gorilla.” William pointed out to the Smartest Being in the Universe.
And the Smartest Being in the Universe was, in fact, a gorilla. One of those silverback gorillas you always hear about on Nature shows. And he sat, in all his gorilla glory, surrounded by dozens of open books containing an unfathomable number of words. And the gorilla was TALKING, and claiming RANK IN EXISTENCE. A combination of elements that would kill many people
“So?” the Smartest Being in the Universe retorted.
“Well…uhhh…” William thought for a second, trying to figure out exactly what was wrong with this situation. “Ummm….you are the Smartest Being in the Universe?”
“That’s what I said.” The Smartest Being in the Universe said. “Is there a problem with that?”
William pulled on his collar (yes, he has a shirt with a collar), trying to think of a way not to offend the Smartest Being in the Universe.
“Well, I’m just…surprised…to see that the Smartest Being in the Universe is…a gorilla. You know?” William stuttered.
“Makes sense.” The Smartest Being in the Universe stated.
“Wait…” William just remembered something important.
“Did you say…you were expecting me?”
“Yes. I have been waiting for you.” Said The Smartest Being in the Universe.
William’s befuddlement gave way to a strange form of excitement. This gorilla can tell him why he is here, and how he can get back. Probably; he did say it was the Smartest Being in the Universe, right? He should know these things.
“Well…errr….why?” William asked.
“Do you have the patience?” The Smartest Being in the Universe asked.
“Patience?”
“Actually, that doesn’t really matter. I was going to have to explain it to you, anyway. So sit down and listen.”
William had never taken suggestions from a gorilla before. Well, there is a first time for everything, except hopefully a very pointy object through vitals. He sat down and listened carefully to the information the gorilla was dispensing. Information-dispensing gorillas, I never thought I’d see the day…

“The world you currently inhabit is nameless, which is not to say it doesn’t have a title which people refer to it by, but that none are official. It’s been called Heaven, Hell, Planet X, Limbo, and even VilleTown by lesser minds. I find thinking up a name for it to be a waste of my creative powers.
The world is based on its own internal logic, which it has very little of. Things seem to happen without notice and without reason. The sensible and the senseless intermingle. In general, you never quite know what will happen. Except me, of course; I am the Smartest Being in the Universe.”
“Well, I guess that explains the whole…gorilla…thing.” William noted. “Still, why am I here?”
The Smartest Being in the Universe went on: “You were brought here to complete a quest. And I am assigned to be your guide and traveling companion.”
“A quest? What kind?”
“That is yet to be determined.”
“Huh? How can I be here to complete a quest if I don’t have an actual quest to complete?”
“We’ll find one, don’t worry.”
“But if we didn’t have one in the first place, why was I brought here?”
“Okay, this is going to be another long explanation, so get ready.”
The Smartest Being in the Universe cleared his throat, and drank from a glass of water beside him (but we didn’t feel was necessarily worth describing earlier). These were all the signs of a seminar in the making.
“Up in the sky, there is a being called the ‘Eternal Watcher’. It is a giant, omnipresent eye that watches the goings on in the world. Unfortunately for the Eternal Watcher, it does not have an eyelid, possibly because its mother smoked. So when it watches all, it watches all, all the time. Now, consider that. You are a giant eye that is forced to constantly watch over the entire world. You should think that, after a while, watching the world would get dreadfully dull. And it is for the Eternal Watcher. Nothing particularly new or exciting has occurred for a long time. Taking into consideration that I just explained to you that the world is completely random, you know that the Eternal Watcher has to have seen many, many, many things to be bored of it already. But, he has, and he is. That is why he brought you here to fulfill a quest.”
“Wait just a minute…are you telling me that I was ripped from all my usual surroundings, thrust into a strange world of talking gorillas in cabins, and forced to partake in a quest that doesn’t even exist yet; just to entertain some big floating eye?” William shouted.
“You got it. Now back to finding the quest at hand…” The Smartest Being in the Universe trailed off.
“Why should I? Why should run around with a talking gorilla, doing something stupid to amuse this ‘Eternal Watcher’? What if I just decided to not do it?” William continued his raging speech.
“Well…” The Smartest Being in the Universe attempted to explain, but was cut off by William.
“But, given my luck this far, I probably HAVE to do this, because if I don’t, I’m stuck here forever. So you know what? I’m going to do it. I’m going on this unnamed quest. I’m going to entertain that stupid eye. And when I’m done, and he sends me back, I’m going to go home, and I’m going to rest in my comfy bed, and I’m going to dream of horrible, violent things happening to it.”
“Well, then, now that we have that out of the way…I already have a quest in mind.” Said the Smartest Being in the Universe, apparently unfazed by William’s fury and threats of violent thoughts against a somewhat cosmic being. “If I remember correctly, which I obviously do because I’m the Smartest Being in the Universe, there was a Princess held at the Sinistre Fortress by an evil villain. But…”
“Okay. That sounds okay. But, but what?” William asked, having calmed down significantly after venting.
“They may or may still be there.”
“But I thought you said that you knew that they were, considering you are the Smartest Being in the Universe?”
“I said I remembered they were there ONCE. It was like, a week ago. I’ve been in my home since then. Haven’t heard any updates on them since then. I may be the Smartest Being in the Universe, but the latest news doesn’t just ZAP to my brain. I actually have to go out and get it myself. This is why I am so deserving of the title of The Smartest Being in the Universe; I actually had to WORK for it.”
“So, how do you suggest we check to make sure they are still around?”
“How else? We go read a newspaper.”
“Wow, that’s about the first thing that’s made sense in this place. And it’s coming from a talking gorilla.”
“You know, you’re going to have to get used to the fact that I am a gorilla.”
“I bet I will, eventually.” William lied through his teeth.

And with the two barely acquainted enough to actually tolerate the presence of the other, William and the Smartest Being in the Universe were off to purchase a newspaper, trying to see if the adventure they want to go on can actually happen. What a thrilling way to start a rousing quest, filled with excitement and danger, isn’t it? Don’t answer that question.