Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween

From me. Hope the candy is good and the undead rise to breakdance.


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Monday, October 30, 2006

Mad Monkey Monday Meets Halloween Insanity

This is what I found when I Google Image Searched 'Halloween Monkey':

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Sunday, October 29, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Surprise of the year

Taken from HCRealms poster CarlosMucha:

Some lucky fans at the Marvel Heroclix: Supernova pre-release got a little surprise in their cases: Super-Rare Marvel Zombies! I haven't read anything with the zombies in it, but it's still awesome, because NOBODY knew this was coming. Even cooler, the zombies come with cards that make them compatible with Wizkids Games newest clicky dial game, Horroclix.


Saturday, October 28, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Rocky Horror Observation Post

I want to post something tonight. The Rocky Horror Picture Show is on right now on TV. I'll write about that and pretend I had ideas.

The first time I saw it, I was at a party with a group of friends. The funniest part of the night was all our reactions to the increasing weirdness and flamboyant, spurred on mostly by one friend who groaned whenever anything transexual came up(and that's a good portion of the movie).

The movie is Tim Curry's best work...Probably(I haven't seen Legend or Congo...Although the latter might be a good thing). And Tim Curry is one of those actors who seems to appear in every second movie and TV show for no reason. Is it that he's just the perfect sinister sounding British guy? Or is he just desperate for work? U-DECIDE!

Meatloaf gets a segment between the movie and commercials where he says things. I've never been a fan of Meatloaf, although I do find him funny. How so? Well, when my friends and I watched the Pop-Up Video extra on the Rocky Horror DVD, we learned of his various injuries, including getting his head stuck in a steering wheel. That's one of the funniest visuals my mind could ever come up with...I mean, imagine, Meatloaf's head stuck in a steering wheel. I'm giggling as I type it.

I like the songs in the movie. They're pretty catchy. I will never admit that I downloaded them onto my computer and listened to them quite regularly. No, not ever.

Strangely, I don't think Rocky Horror has inspired me to create something. Maybe it made me more appreciative of the musical...Maybe. I'd love to write a musical, but I have no sense of musical...ness.

And there's my excuse for an entry.


Thursday, October 26, 2006

Okay, I'm gonna do this. I'm going to try.

I will write a novel from November 1st to 30th.

I already started planning. If you've read my stuff on this site, you have a pretty good idea what my novel will be like.


Tuesday, October 24, 2006

It's my birthday...

Shower me with e-presents!


Saturday, October 21, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Blue Monkey Sucks

What's the point of having a 'Halloween Column' if you only have two columns written with only two weeks left until Halloween? Don't ask me. I guess I'm just not enough into the Halloween. Which is odd because my birthday is exactly one week before the day of scary things; I should probably be like a pasty zombie-like kid to fit the stereotype.

Okay, for clarification on the last Halloween article. The 'generic' skeleton I mentioned actually does have some features...namely, being glow-in-the-dark(big whoop, I get that stuff in cereal boxes and they don't cost a buck fiddy). Also the bone bag is seemingly doing his best Home Alone salute. Skeletons love their Home Alone.

Now, for the main event...

Oh yes. I mentioned months ago of this little dandy. Blue Monkey from 1987 has the most misleading title of any movie or source of entertainment ever. This movie contains no monkeys, and not much blue, either. What it does contain, is a big bug, and very annoying kids.

Blue Monkey came into my life many years ago. Back then, Canada's Space network aired a weekend night segment called Space Bar, where the elf who would later host their news show and a sassy robot subjected us to movies are varying everything while giving us fun fax and smartass quips. This show also exposed me to King Kong vs. Godzilla and The Plague Dogs. But the most memorable film they ever showed was, of course, Blue Monkey. Yes, even more than the depressing dog cartoon, and that's saying alot.

I would really like to give you an in-depth review, but I don't not have a copy of this one tape...nor do I ever want one. So, the whole thing is going to be very vague and from memory. If any of my descriptions make you want to see the movie, I'm not doing my job. If you are not completely satisfied, visit one of the sites I will provide shortly after.

Okay, the film starts with a guy getting infected with...something. He is rushed to a hospital that was once an INSANE ASYLUM. Doctors remove something from him that looks like a piece of bird crap, and they leave it out in a dish. Late that night, some stupid little children take a stroll, find said bird crap thing, and in their wide-eyed innoccence pour a random blue liquid on it. It evolves into a giant bug and starts throwing it's bug ick all over the place. Generic Hero Guy, Generic Love Interest, and Generic Obsessed Wildlife Researcher Guy watch it spread bug ick. Meanwhile, it also spreads some disease throughout the hospital. For whatever reason, it gets pissed and starts chasing all the people in the hospital, even beheading a patient. It is 'killed' by an electric shock, everyone is happy. But it's NOT DEAD, and at the very end the beast springs back to life to set-up a sequel that everyone involved with making it knew was never going to be made.

There's the entire movie. Where a good film-fun-maker would've brought you hilarity in several paragraphs, I bring you boredom in one big block of text. You'll have to thanke me later, as I have to draw out the rest of the entry with ramblings about the movie in question.

So, why exactly is this giant bug movie called Blue Monkey? I couldn't give you a good answer. It seemingly comes from a throwaway line said by one of the over-precocious kids during the movie, but why the filmmakers decided that line deserved to marquee the film is beyond reasoning. They probably thought "nobody's going to see this movie anyway, so why must we have a sensible title?". Considering the subject matter, we probably could've done worse. Most Internet denizens would like it to be called Bugs in a Hospital, but I always chase them away with my broom before the little vermin get a chance.

Because of how little-known this film is, I like to call it mine. Yes, it's greedy, but when you are trying to look like a real cinema geek, calling out a movie like this adds to your facade. Of course, when a real Dreck-Dexter(wow, I can't believe I made that term up right now) comes along and starts prattling off about movies so obscure they wouldn't fill a timeslot on the deadzone of a 'Shitty Movies 24/7' channel(which should exist just to make this whole article seem more worthwhile), sending me and my Blue Monkey home with a our tails between out legs, I guess the whole idea wasn't so hot. I still lay claim to Blue Monkey, and am willing to marble shooter duel anyone for that claim.

I turn to Space on Friday nights to see what bad movies(or, when the moon is the full and the Barq's slurpee is available, good movies) they are showing. Yet, no matter how many films who's only merits involve bare chests I see, I can never forget the big bug film. Never. If there ever comes a time where I lose all my memory due to mole people brainwashing, I will still remember Blue Monkey. I couldn't be happier, because without that film, I would've had nothing to write about tonight.

Other people who acknowledge Blue Monkey's existance:

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Friday, October 20, 2006

Weird Entertainment News Links! Yes, I'm Lazy!

Fraggle Rock movie will be written by Frank Zappa's son Ahmet.

Warren Ellis may actually be writing an animated Castlevania movie.


Sunday, October 15, 2006

Beck: The Information

I bought Beck's new album yesterday. It has a blank cover (that looks like graph paper), which you can customize with stickers that come with the CD. God, I love Beck.

I will admit, I'm kinda a Beck newbie. My first Beck album was Guero, and I loved it. This summer, I bought his most popular, Odelay, and I loved it even more. I haven't listened to Sea Change, the album The Information is often compared to. It isn't really as upbeat and hyperactive as my first two Beck albums, but I love it nonetheless.

Yeah, so it might not be the same level off-beat wackiness that past albums did, but it still has a few very catchy tunes, most notably Cellphone's Dead(which I personally believe makes a better radio song than Nausea, which was the first one they submitted.) They seem a little more in-line with what I had experienced with Beck.

The other songs that don't really have that funky quality are probably my favorites on the album, though. Strange Apparition and Movie Theme are great, great things. Oh, the rest of the stuff is pretty good, too. Like many albums, there seems to be a point where I kinda zone out of the music until something I really like comes on. Which is not to say that these songs are bad, but that they didn't hook me like others did.

So if you haven't gathered, The Information is great for Beck fans. It's great for me, great for you, and great for your mom. Atleast for the sticker cover, which is in itself hours of fun.


Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Observing Doctor Who: New Earth

Two days worth of turkey birds and pumpkin pie, and it was all capped off with the CBC season 2 premier of my beloved Doctor Who. I liked the episode well enough, although it's definetly not the series' strongest. Here are my smartass comments!

-Why are the cat people nurses?
-I wonder if the Doctor Who writers watch Futurama?
-So, it wasn't the disease, the mayor is just a bloated fatass.
-Hiding in the basement of a hospital doesn't sound very pleasant. Neither does being a folded flap of skin.
-Parties in the future aren't really all that different.
-Well, we've never had zombies with a single repeated phrase before. (mummy, mummy, mummy...)
-Spirit jumping is the best form of transportation.
-The big face is a jerk for not dying.


Saturday, October 07, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Spooky Slurpee Straws!

You know, I just have to write SOME stuff about Halloween before it's too late. I know, we still got 3 weeks, but 3 weeks can pass just like that if you're not too careful. And I'm not too careful, how else would I have crashed into a deck skiing?

The first thing I would like to talk about this scary season is something that I would notice pretty easily. Ya see, I go to 7-11 and get a slurpee pretty much every day. Please don't feel the need to inform me how grossly unhealthy that is, I know already. And yet I go, all the time. Hot or cold, rain or snow, rapture or premier of new Disney TV original movie (which is pretty much the same as the rapture), I will go down to the local Sev to grab a Dr. Pepper ice water and maybe some gum.

So, recently I was down there to supply my filthy habit, and I noticed a new display. This display contained things my mortal eyes never expected. Of course, my mortal eyes wouldn't expect to see a black and white chicken, so their opinions on matters seem useless. Even so, there were plastic straws for use with my sugar. But they weren't just normal plastic straws, oh no. They were plastic straws that would devour your soul if you weren't looking. Yep, 7-11 gets into Halloween season by making their straws 500% more demonic.

There were 4 scary straws presented to me, surrounded by the cardboard embodiement of bad 'horror' jokes that even the Crypt Keeper would slap his bony head listening to (okay, they aren't that bad, but I draw the line at 'eeeeeeeeeeeeach'). Like all items of such nature, they are ridiculously overpriced (although not to the stage of last year's Yoda head cup lids, where you had to sell your first born into slave labor in order to afford a worthless piece of crap), but can you really put a price on making it look like your sucking out someone's vital heart juices? That's rhetorical.

Now, I would have pictures for you, but I (1)Don't have a camera that doesn't deserve to have it's children molested by camels, and (2)haven't actually pulled up the gusto to buy any of the stupid straws. But I guarantee you, the minute these two events don't stop me, I will give you visual evidence. Not that you would think I'm a liar about friggin' Halloween slurpee straws.

The first straw is probably my least favorite, if only because it doesn't really add anything to you drinking experience. The Fangs look just like any other gummy teeth you could buy not five inches away from wherever these straws are stored. Not that there isn't any fun to be head with them, as you could probably convince some fools that your straw is the recent incarnation of Dracula. Wouldn't that be an interesting installment of Castlevania.

The second is definetly the best of the bunch, for reasons quite obvious to anyone who sees it. The Telltale Heart has everything going for it: A realistic looking, translucent heart that, as I mentioned before, gives you the appearance of sucking the sugary blood of a large Iguana. That may not be a whole lot going for it to be considered 'everything', but bear in mind that heart juice sucking is currently the hottest trend among kids. Go read Teen Beat or whatever and see for yourself!

Three and four are similar, in that they are both skeletons. How many variations on skeletons can there be? Apparently, two. The one is a fairly generic skeleton stuck on your straw, which doesn't really mean anything other than that there is a fairly generic skeleton stuck on your straw. The other skeleton straw, however, rivals the Telltale Heart for general awesome straw awesomeness. At first, it looks like a Jack O' Lantern. Now, you may ask "I thought you said this was a skeleton straw, you bitch, not a Jack O' Lantern straw!" and I'd be like "Shut up, ho! I'm gettin' to it!" because I'm so ghetto. Seriously though, the pumpkin comes with a mechanism, and when you jerk that thing in the right way (wow, I can't believe I said that), the skeleton pops right out the top of the fucking pumpkin, surprising everyone, even those seasoned veterans of seeing things pop out of pumpkins. Don't ask me how such a mechanic is really practical on a drinking straw, I'm just amused enough that I won't ask questions. The Skeletons-in-pumpkins gods could be watching.

Are these straws really worth $1.50? Hell no. But you still have to be amused by the whole thing. Atleast you should, because it makes me happy. And a happy Matt during October is known to do some very generous things. To find out what, send me money!

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

Okay, this is by far the stupidest thing I have ever seen in my life

Edit: Sorry for the stretching, but I can't have a stupid picture messin' with me sidebar. Besides, you get the point.


Wednesday, October 04, 2006


If you want to know, yes I did beat that rock puzzle in Okami and now proceed into the second half of the game. More wonderousnessnessness awaits me, I guess.

Let's talk the future: I plan on writing a Halloween-themed piece for y'all. I really should get more into the Orange season a little more. After all, my b-day is a week before Halloween every year. Double the festivities for double the fun. And spookieness.

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Monday, October 02, 2006


Okami is a genuinely fun game, a visually stunning, rollicking adventure that owes alot to Zelda. I absolutely love the variety of gameplay it gives you. It seems like every long stretch of collecting crap is balanced by some sort of new mini-game involving the brush mechanic.

Which is not to say the game doesn't have it's weak points. The most glaring of all may make or break your fun, depending on you, the player. Yes, I am talking about the near endless cascade of dialogue, most from your lil' buddy Issun. Now, Issun is alot like Navi in Ocarina of Time, only about 10 times more chatty (all you gamers are possibly already doubled over in fear). Dear Issun, you really don't need to explain everything to me multiple times. Of course, when I say that, I mean SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY, I FUCKING GET IT YOU FUCKING FUCK OF FUCK! It's not bad all the time, but when you reach a certain point where you are doing something that requires patience and concentration(like the current puzzle I am at), it is like someone playing the main section of 'Pump up the Volume' at 11 in your ear.

"Alright, just gotta push this boulder over the invisible bridge..."
"AW! Dammit! Gonna have to do it again! Okay, careful, careful..."
"Somebody kill me."

But, before and after these points come up, I am having fun (no, really). Me, being the completist that I am, have many, many sidequests to distract myself (my goal to feed all the world's monkeys will be fulfilled). And I've heard that the main quest is pretty good sized, as well. Overall worth playing for most peoples with a PS2 who doesn't think Japanese mythology is 'queer 4 fagz lol!!11!!'. But I warned you about the talking, oh how I warned you.