Friday, June 30, 2006

You must listen when Alan Moore is speaking

It's good for you.

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Weep for the Dead

I feel like recommending video games today.

As you all probably already know, Nintendo's little purple box(scientific name "Gamecube", but I like calling mine "Griddles") has had it's output flow reduced to a trickle, and not a particularly good trickle, either. Basically, all GC owners have left to look forward to is Twilight Princess(unless you plan on buying it for the Wii) and Super Paper Mario(and maybe DK: Bongo Blast if you, like me, enjoy pounding away at those little fake drums). You might be wondering "Is there anything out there that can prevent Griddles from collecting dust?"

Well, I can try to help you. Basically, I'll just list a bunch of games you might have or haven't played, you seek them out if they pique you're interest. You have something to do (unless, of course, you already have something to do that doesn't involve playing videogames. Screw you.) I'll refrain from naming the obvious (Super Smash Bros. Melee, Metroid Prime, Metroid Prime 2, Super Mario Sunshine, Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker, Resident Evil, Mario Kart, Viewtiful Joe, Animal Crossing, and Resident Evil 4), because if you haven't played those games, you obviously never cared in the first place.

Now, on with the show:

Baten Kaitos
Haven't played it, but I heard it's a pretty decent Final Fantasy-esque game with a cool battle system. There's a sequel/prequel coming out soon, too. Maybe we can all give it a spin.

Bomberman Generation
It's Bomberman. We all know what Bomberman is like. It's got some cool extra multiplayer modes, so that actually makes it one of the better Bomberman games out there. I also haven't seen it around any stores for 3 years or something. You should still go out of your way to find it, even if it means going to the center of the Earth.

Donkey Kong Jungle Beat
For whatever, I have fallen in love with this arcadey platformer. It's really not all that complicated or deep, but damn do I have a good time playing it. I think it's the bongo-based gameplay, where you pound the drums to move and clap to attack. Sounds weird, but it's easier to catch on to, and the good times roll when you do. The levels actually get pretty creative, as do the boss battles(although most of them are just repeated). So, yeah, I think it's good.

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem
Some may call it one of the most underrated games of the past 5 years. Based off the stories of H.P.Lovecraft, it's bizarre scenarios and more psychological-based horror were overshadowed by the Resident Evil remake released only months prior. But this is still a great game, and you need to play it, if only to see the insanity effects. This game will screw with you in many ways, and it may take you a while to get in on the joke.

Hulk: Ultimate Destruction
The only game that lets you run around an entire city as the Jade Giant and smash whatever HULK DESIRES TO SMASH! If you like GTA-style non-linearness and smashing things, it's definitely worth a look.

It's a scrolling space shooter. You've probably seen many of them in hotels and bowling alleys all over the place. But this isn't just a scrolling shooter, it's a scrolling shooter by cult-favorite developer Treasure. And their great skill at making arcade games shows, as Ikaruga is both fun and incredibly challening. It's also very slick-looking and has lots of replay value(you will need to replay it in order to get past level 3). Good luck finding it, but it's definitely worth a purchase if you do.

Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour
If you think you can stomach the rather meandering sport of golf if the raging Italian stereotype and his drug-induced crew are involved, then go right ahead and get this one. It kinda lacks features, but there's still a good time to be had.

Mario Power Tennis
Quite unlike Golf, Baseball, and Strikers, they actually went all-out with the extra stuff in this game. Creative stages and mini-games really make this a stand-out title. Like most of this list, it only gets better with friends.

Paper Mario & The Thousand-Year Door
(Three Mario games in a row? Kinda creepy.)This is just a borderline recommendation, as I think this one is just about as essential as the stuff I listed in the intro. But, I digress, not everyone knows about it's brilliance that should, so here it is. It's the Gamecube's Best RPG by far. If you enjoy playing video games, get this as fast as you can.

Pikmin and Pikmin 2
Once the GC had been out for a while, it seems everyone forgot the short, but creative and cool Pikmin, which was hyped fairly well before launch. A few years later, Nintendo released a sequel, which took out the time limit of the first game and added more strategy in the form of two new Pikmin and a second leader character, as well as put the focus on exploration. Both games are still very good, and certainly deserve a second look.

Skies of Arcadia: Legends
There are reasons why the GC was adopted by many former Dreamcast owners. An enhanced port of one of the fan-favorite DC titles probably helped out a bit. Graphically, Skies isn't much better on the more powerful console, but they did add a few extra sidequests to keep oldsters happy. For everyone else, though, Skies is worth playing because it's a classic-style RPG, filled with airships(the battles involving which are very cool), evil empires, and main characters who, you know, enjoy life(Shocking to most modern RPG fans, probably).

Super Mario Strikers
The last Mario sports title on the GC just happens to be the most wacky and enjoyable. With soccer suddenly becoming all the rage, it seems only fitting that you celebrate by using Bob-Ombs to blow up Toad while passing around the ol' cow-ball. Not as many features as other sports titles, but grab a buddy or three and watch the good times roll.

Super Monkey Ball and Super Monkey Ball 2
What's there to say? It's monkeys. In balls, no less. Lots of multiplayer fun. Plus, monkeys.

Timesplitters 2 and Timesplitters: Future Perfect
I'm not usually into First-Person shooters, but playing Timesplitters with my friends is something I enjoy. I don't know what makes this one so appealing, but maybe it's the insane characters in multiplayer. A redneck cactus with robot legs? A small whale with a body made of fish? A giant duck? Monkeys by the barrel? The game has a sense of humor, which is actually quite refreshing. Plus, lots of single-player and multiplayer options boost it past just being silly.

Viewtiful Joe 2
Maybe the concept just wasn't fresh enough anymore, as VJ2 was pretty much ignored by everyone. It's still pretty good, with co-op play to boot, and can be found for pretty cheap all over the place.

Wario Ware: Mega Party Game$
Basically just a retread of the excellent GBA game with added multiplayer modes, but oh are those multiplayer modes fun. The developers got really creative with these, and the doctor game is particularity bizarre. If you find it cheap, pick it up.

If you're idea of something 'new' includes things that are old, I heartily endorse the following compilation titles:
Mega Man Anniversary Collection(Mega Man 1-8)
Mega Man X Collection(Mega Man X1-6)
Midway Arcade Treasures Vol.1(Robotron, Rampage, Joust, Defender, Marble Madness, Sinistar, Smash TV, Spy Hunter, & more)
Sonic Mega Collection(Sonic 1-3, Sonic & Knuckles, Mean Bean Machine, Ristar & more)

Well, there ya' go. I'm sure there are a few more games that you could check out(starting with Tales of Symphonia, which I didn't feel like writing about), but this should keep you busy until Twilight Princess and Super Paper Mario come out. But, by then, you might have a Wii in your home(...goddammit.)


Thursday, June 22, 2006

Oh for the love of Christ...

This is one of the reasons I think leaving no SSBB info until much later is not a very good thing.

I mean, leave the fans out to dry and the most utterly, mindboggingly awful speculation comes to pass.

Dear lord, for the announcement of a '4th villain' in Spider-Man 3, I'm going to have to take this crap in that sector, too.

Eh, I gotta short story idea I want to write. Nothing will come to fruition from it (because that's how I operate: I get an idea, want to write it down, and then it just fizzles), but atleast I can say I tried.

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

My Very Own Lazarus Pit


Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Review of Wizard's '100 Greatest Villains'

Gah! I say I'm done with it, and they pull me in again! Wizard is the leading comics magazine, and most serious comic readers hate it. I'm not really on a such extreme side, but I find that my comic info needs are better served online.
Even so, Wizard is good at coming up with features that just catch me offguard and pull me in with my unending need for some new opinions to argue about. This time, they did it with a list of the 100 Greatest Villains of all time. It's overall not a bad list, far better than would be expected, but I still feel the need to go over the whole damn thing for you. Then maybe you won't have to spend the $5.99US/$7.99CAN cover price. I just enjoy taking money away from others.

100-Mr.Joshua(Lethal Weapon)
99-The Beholder(Dungeons & Dragons)
98-The Others(Lost)
97-Francis Buxton(Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)
96-Sephiroth(Final Fantasy VII)[I knew Sephi was gonna make it, but damn am I ever tired at looking at his pretty-boy face. He stabbed Aeris! Boo-hoo! Another FF villain, FFVI's Kefka, slaughtered millions and turned the world into a wasteland. Why no love for him?]
95-Stewie Griffin(Family Guy)[Personally, I find Stewie funniest when he's having Sexy parties or loving funky fruit hats.]
94-Brainiac(Superman:The Animated Series)
93-Norman Bates(Psycho)[I'm sorry I didn't get higher, mother...]
92-Dean Wormer(Animal House)
91-Auric Goldfinger(Goldfinger)
90-Gentlemen(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
89-Mr.Lumberg(Office Space)[Christ, I need to see Office Space...]
88-Frank Booth(Blue Velvet)
87-Endo(Lethal Weapon)
86-Mr.Blonde(Resevoir Dogs)
85-Col.Kurtz(Apocalypse Now)
84-Deathstroke(DC Comics)
83-The French Taunter(Monty Python and The Holy Grail)[Their fathers probably smell of elderberries...)
82-Luther(The Warriors)
81-Angel Eyes(The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly)
80-Clubber Lang(Rocky III)[Because every list must have some way to pity fools]
79-Cancer Man(X-Files)
78-R.J.Fletcher(UHF)[Wait...that's a Weird Al movie...]
77-The Flood(Halo)[Ah Halo...Everyone likes to beat up your sequel.]
76-The Socs(The Outsiders)[Having read the book in the 8th grade...this guys are Grade-A assholes. Do it for Johnny!]
75-Big Brother(1984)[-Insert current American Political Joke-]
74-Herr Starr(DC/Vertigo)[I've read only a few issues of Preacher. I gues I'll see this guy when I get to reading the entire series.]
73-Biff Tannen(Back to the Future)[Look over there!]
72-Tony Montana(Scarface)[Folk hero for Wiggers everywhere.]
71-Walter Peck(Ghostbusters)
70-The Balrog(Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring)[YOU SHALL NOT PASS!...the 70s mark]
68-Megatron(Transformers)[He transforms into a gun. A GUN! That other robots have to shoot! What a useless power. Atleast he has that big arm cannon.]
67-Venom(Marvel Comics)[The embodiement of Marvel in the 90s! And no, that's not a good thing.]
66-Sideshow Bob(The Simpsons)[I could fill this with tons of hilarious Sideshow Bob quotes...Hey, that's a great idea! "The TRUTH? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I DERIDE your truth-handling abilities!"]
65-Kevin(Sin City)[This is one creepy bastard. I'm glad a dog eats him.]
64-Syndrome(The Incredibles)
63-Samara(The Ring)
62-Gollum(Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)[Internet meme time! PO-TA-TOES!]
61-Johnny Lawrence(The Karate Kid)
60-Judge Doom(Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)[REMEMBER ME, EDDY?]
59-Bob(Twin Peaks)
58-General Zod(Superman II)[Well, atleast Mr.T kneels before Zod...SHUDDUP, Foo'! QUI' WID DA JIBBA-JABBA! There, I ruined a perfectly good Zod comment...*sigh*]
57-Principal Ed Rooney(Ferris Bueller's Day Off)[The pic in the article reminds me more of the same actor's role in Howard the Duck.]
56-John Doe(Seven)
55-The Overlooking House(The Shining)
54-Leatherface(The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
53-Cobra Commander(G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero)[Remember, he was ONCE A MAAAAAAAN!]
52-Kid Miracleman(Eclipse Comics)[ essential...]
51-Catwoman(DC Comics)
50-Max Cady(Cape Fear)
49-Amanda Woodward(Melrose Place)[Melrose Place? Weird.]
48-Iago(Othello)[SHAKESPEARE?! Never expected it my the ADD Generation]
47-Bill the Butcher(Gangs of New York)
46-Starscream(Transformers)[You're an idiot, Starscream.]
45-Mr.Burns(The Simpsons)[Burns quote time! "You're Flower Power is no match for my...GLOWER POWER!"]
44-Godzilla(Godzilla)[History shows again and again how nature points out the folley of man...]
43-Serpentor(G.I.Joe:A Real American Hero)[I'm sorry...Serpentor sucks. Stabbing Duke in the heart with a snakey spear and sending him into a..COMA? WTF?...does not make up for your Vegas Casino Costume]

Look! A sidebar for Tick villains! That show was so great...I mean, Eastern Bloc Robot Cowboy? How can you go wrong?

42-Keyser Soze(The Usual Suspects)
41-HAL 9000(2001: A Space Odyssey)[I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave.]
40-Buu(Dragon Ball Z)[Whatever you're opinion of DBZ, you gotta admit Buu did alot of damage. HE KILLED EVERYONE ON EARTH! Well, actually, considering that the Dragon Ball franchise continually attempts to one-ups itself in
terms of destruction, that's probably not very impressive now.]

39-Michael Corleone(The Godfather: Part II)
38-Dark Phoenix(Marvel Comics)[Hey, she killed everyone on a planet, too! Maybe she and Buu can go talk over coffee or something.]
36-Alex Delarge(A Clockwork Orange)
35-Roddy Piper(WWE)[I have a tape that has Piper appearing on the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. Yep, that's something to be proud of.]
34-Mayor Richard Wilkins(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
33-Tony Soprano(The Sopranos)
32-Hans Gruber(Die Hard)[Alan Rickman! Alan Rickman! ALAAAAAN RIIIIICKMAN!]
31-Gran Moff Tarkin(Star Wars)

Hey, look, a debate! Is Boba Fett a good villain? The problem with these arguments is that there's just two polar extremes and basically no middle ground, meaning it is nothing more than a meaningless black/white scenario with little actual substance.

30-Dracula(Monster Squad)[Monster Squad? Of all the Draculas they could have chosen, they chose THIS ONE?]
29-T-1000(Terminator 2: Judgement Day]
28-Jabba The Hutt(Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)[What the hell was that thing he ate out of the bowl?]
26-Jason Voorhees(Friday the 13th)
25-Ozymandias(Watchmen)[Props to this choice. Teleporting a squid thing on NYC is pretty wacky.]
24-Agent Smith(The Matrix)
23-Darkseid(DC Comics)[Darkseid IS]
22-Thanos(Marvel Comics)[Screw you, DARKSEID IS! Go see a chick flick with Death or whatever...]
21-Red Skull(Marvel Comics)[Nazis are great villains. Bat-shit insane Nazis? Even better. Bat-shit insane Nazis with wrecked faces? Now we're in the Matt love zone.]

The best comic supervillains teams:
1.Masters of Evil(Marvel Comics)
2.The Four(DC/Wildstorm)[Read Planetary. DO IT!]
3.Legion of Doom(DC Comics)[God Wizard, please get off the Alex Ross train. It's getting sickening.]
4.The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants(Marvel Comics)
5.The Rogues(DC Comics)[Gorilla Grodd wins. 4ever.]

20.Khan(Star Trek II)[Must..resist...urge to....KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!]
19.Green Goblin(Marvel Comics)
18.Galactus(Marvel Comics)[Eating planets is hardcore]
17.Magneto(Marvel Comics)[The worst part about Magneto is that YOU AGREE WITH HIM sometimes...]
16.The Thing(John Carpenter's The Thing)
14.Freddy Kreuger(Nightmare on Elm Street)
12.Sauron(Lord of the Rings)
11.Darth Vader(Star Wars)["Most impressive.." Not really. Vader deserves better!]
10.The Shark(Jaws)[We're going to need a bigger...gah! There, saved you THAT time.]
8.Lex Luthor(DC comics)[Ya know, since Sexy LExy is he cover subject, I thought for sure he was going to be #1. Guess my ability to predict predictability is off.]
7.The Borg(Star Trek: The Next Generation)[Can't argue, especially since I have been assimilated]
6.Hannibal Lecter(Silence of the Lambs)

Ten Villains We'd Like to Forget
10.CD Cenobite(Hellraiser III)
9.Typeface(Marvel Comics)[You need to find a new word to describe how horribly lame this guy this.]
8.Gargamel(The Smurfs)[HE TRIED, DAMMIT! Can't you just give him props for that?]
7.The Orphans(The Warriors)
6.Albert(Marvel comics)[A robot Wolverine? Apparently that's a section of the X-myhtos I'd rather not go.]
5.ED-209(Robocop)[But...but...DID YOU SEE HOW HE SHOT THAT GUY?]
4.King Tut(Batman)
3.Fusion the Twin Terror(Marvel Comics)
2.Tommy Gunn(Rocky V)
1.Nuclear Man(Superman IV: The Quest for Peace)Why, Christopher Reeve? DAMMIT, WHY!]

5.Zombies(Dawn of the Dead 2004)[That's pretty specific. I bet the Day of the Dead zombies could kick their asses!]
4.Dr.Doom(Marvel Comics)[My fave. DOOM IS SATISFIED!]
3.Palpatine(Star Wars)[Oh, c'mon! Vader threw this guy down a shaft! Vader so deserves NO.3!]
2.Pazuzu(The Exorcist)[Yep, the possessor's name was Pazuzu. Pazuzu. Pazuzu...]
1.The Joker(DC Comics)[I'm good with this decision. Joker is such a psycho, and he's damn scary. I mean, he killed Jason Todd! He crippled Barbara Gordon! He probably did some other stuff, too! Batman has his work cut out for him.]

As you can see, pretty decent. Althought I bet you're still foaming at the mouth that "X isn't on there" or "X should've been higher". But whadya gonna do? Oh yeah, spam their e-mail accounts. Good for you.


Sunday, June 11, 2006

Mad Monkey Sunday: Sequential Monkeys!

The best comic book monkeys:

Gorilla Grodd (Enemy of DC's Flash)

Ultra-Humanite in his white monkey form(DC's brain-switching super Nazi)

Red Ghost's Soviet Super Apes(Adversaries of Marvel's Fantastic Four)

Bobo, AKA Detective Chimp (The best thing DC has ever produced)

Tony Millionaire's Sock Monkey

Titano (Superman's unfriendly ape-versary)

Solovar, king of Gorilla City

Monsiur Mallah, French ape and lackey/lover of The Brain (for more info on the latter, go here. God, I love Grant Morrison's Doom Patrol)

Mandrill, a Daredevil villain for whatever reason

Man-Ape. More man, or more ape? U-DECIDE!

The monkeys of Monkey vs. Robot

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Friday, June 09, 2006

Ganondorf > Pennybags

I'd buy it

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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Good Omens


I haven't been doing anything lately, so don't be dissapointed by that. I might think of something entertaining for you soon, though. Hang tight, freakos!


Monday, June 05, 2006

The Gaming Goo'ness

So now that Prairiecon is over, I should report what I did:

Day 1-
Played a games demo, which included the insane board game Haunting House(which I played before, and got to keep this time around), and an economic card game called San Juan, which was great fun. At the end, besides Haunting House, I also got some Dragon Ball Z cards, because no one else wanted them. To the darkest reaches of the closet they go!

Day 2-
First, played Toon, my very first role-playing game ever. There was only two people for Toon, but it was grand. It was 80s-cartoon themed, as I played the "Changerbot" and the other person played a TMNT-esque character. By the end of the campaign, I had smacked a bunch of "Misionaries" with a tree, fought Ninja Puppies, sacrificed my human buddy to a dragon, transformed into a treadmill, fast-talking Porta Rican Salesman, pizza boy, and a laundry machine, finger-flicked a German guy, and repeatedly activated the Ultimate Doomsday Device of Total Oblivion before I just took out the battery(which was a rabbit).

My second game was Free-For-All Miniatures-Rumble in the Bronx, which is a game the gamerunner made himself, using various figures(like those stupid little Homies figures you see in vending machines all over.)There was also only one other person at the game, but I still had fun. Won the first round as the Mexican Wrestlers versus the other guy's Pimp & Hookers, got clobbered the second round as the Punks by the Karate Masters, and was able to take out half of the other guy's Bikers before they reached my side of the board with a bunch of Latino teen gangers. Making my own game would be a sweet summer project...

As a bonus, I got to play Clay-O-Rama, a battle game where you make your own creature out of PlayDoh and were given attributes and special abilities based on how you sculpted it. I made a lizard/fish thing which I dubbed "Gill Henderson II, Jr.". The others had a flying, spitting snake; a "Sasquatch Cowboy" who throw rocks and bowled enemies; a thing which can only be described as "Damn, that's Ugly"(which was it's name); and an immobile mushroom who could switch places with anyone(thus, making it not so immobile). Needless to say, the mushroom won, causing my Gill Henderson to implode.

Day 3-
First was my beloved Heroclix, which had a good-sized group of 6, with three budding newbies and three veterans(including myself). We played theme teams(although their themes were usually odd, my team was 'Conflicted', which included characters like Ravager, Black Adam, and The Demon). It was pretty neat helping new players get into the game, plus, it was the first 'real' Heroclix game I'd played in a long time. Afterwards, one of the players was giving out some of his extras, and I finally got my mitts on some long sought after figures like Atlas, Icons Aquaman, Joker, and Ghost Rider. Earlier, I had traded and also got a Darkseid, Dr.Strange, and Iron Fist. At the end of the day, I also possessed Wendigo, Namor, Awesome Android, and many more I had missed from past sets. Very profitable for me, I'd say.

Finally, there was the Free-For-All tabletop RPG(using GURPS), which consisted of me and about 10 other people playing as various movie monsters hunting for human victims and eachother. I was one of two Predators, facing off against two Christine Cars, a werewolf, a vampire, two Zombie hordes, an alien, the Terminator, two giant Spiders, Jason, and two Tremors worms. My objective was to kill 6 marines. By the end, I had a killed 1 Marine(and took his gun as a trophy) and Sara Conner.

You know what? I wish I could do stuff like this more often. I just had a spectacular time trying out new stuff. All the people I gamed with were real nice and really helped me get into the groove of things. Also, getting a grasp of Toon and GURPS makes me kinda want to try out more RPGs, or, hell, make some of my own(yes, I could and would do that, I'm a nerd, you see. I'm also delightfully mad).

And thus ends the one weekend of the year I do something. Now back to scrounging Smash Bros. Brawl info and counting the days 'til CBC starts airing Doctor Who again...


Saturday, June 03, 2006


I've been gaming all day and all night. I will report when it's all said and done.

This one is really well done.