Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Ways Not To Be an Internet Idiot

Hey, you! Want to participate in online conversations, but are hindered by the fact that you're a complete waste of flesh? Need not worry anymore! For the small price of repeated visits here that will guarantee a revenue stream once I start getting capitalist pigs to advertise on my website, I'll give you a number of handy tips that'll make you a tolerable presence in any place!

1) Use proper capitalization, grammar and punctuation, as well as spelling if at all possible (it's okay if you're not a great speller, but I'd say if you fall below 75% in accurate spelling, and/or misspell some very basic words, you got problems). You have time to to look over what you post, you know. Don't worry, though - everyone typos. Everyone.

2) Speaking of which, never use l33t in anything but an ironic context.

3) Don't create an 'Internet Personality'. Be who you are, really. Even if who you are is an insufferable twit, at least you won't be an insufferable twit who likes to pretend he/she's a ninja or some dumb shit like that.

4) Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER speak in the third person. I honestly don't know what demonic force inspires people to commit such atrocities, but if you think of doing it on your own, DON'T.

5) No one cares about every little thing you do. Nobody. So don't make threads about what you just bought, and you're little trip to grandma's. A forum is not your blog.

6) Don't post parody threads unless it hasn't been done before. By the second time, it grates, even if you're a comedic genius.

7) Using coloured text is an obvious sign of being an attention whore, or a ten-year-old girl.

8) Properly cite it when you take something from a website. I know this from personal experience.

9) If you are the first comment in a thread, and you type "First!", God puts you one step closer to a brain tumor.

10) Be prepared for trolls. Don't get angry at trolls when they appear: either ignore them, or make fun of them if you got good material.

11) If you are a troll: die.

12) Don't take insults on the Internet seriously. They don't mean anything, and the people who insult you only want a reaction.

13) Be willing to drop an argument when it doesn't go anywhere. Do not create the 'God playing Ping-Pong against Himself' effect.

14) There are moments when randomness is good. You can feel it in your heart when those moments come. Once that feeling comes, feel free to post something random. Otherwise, don't waste perfectly good memory.

15) Do not post philosophical arguments unless you its something worth talking about (IE not mentioned a thousand times before). Also, don't pay heed to the odd simpleton who posts an intentionally stupid response (IE Myself).

16) If you do not want to post at a forum anymore, just stop posting. Don't try to get banned, as it's one of the biggest attention whore-ish steps one can take. I don't buy any 'addiction' bullshit, either.

17) Don't sign your name after every post. Display Names aren't just for your reference.

18) Don't abuse signatures.

19) Don't link to your personal website or blog in your actual posts.

20) Don't get pissy if you're accused of making a duplicate thread. Check the timestamps, and see who won. Not that it matters, the people will post in the thread they want. If it's yours, make sure it's for the right reasons.

21) Do not start a 'Forum Game' unless you have sufficient evidence that no one considers those to be a pain in the ass.

22) Don't introduce yourself in a new thread. That's just lame.

23) Don't use emoticons, except in the same cases as l33t (IE for stupid comedic effect).

24) Don't refer to anyone by name at the start of a post that is replying to them (as in "Randomusername, -words-"). Use the quote function, or insert it into your sentence like normal speech.

25) Don't make a 'Your Favorite X' thread if the forum you are on has been active for more than 2 months.

26) Never put 'Sephiroth' in your user name. A person with such will be ostracized by all thinking people within the general vicinity.

27) Finally, and this is especially key, read a dozen or so threads on a board before posting. Get the feel, get a basic idea of who posts there and what they post about. Saves you a lot of trouble.

Now, these are just the basics. Even if you follow all these, it won't help you if you like talking about Autobot sex life, or how the government uses PBS to program America's brainwaves, or you think you are a reincarnated unicorn or something. If any of those, and so much more, apply to you, you are pretty much a lost cause. But at the very least, you have a greater chance of not being an irritant by following the above.

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Saturday, November 24, 2007


When I said 'tomorrow', I meant 'in due time'.

Anyway, CHUD just finished their five week extravaganza "The Forgotten Monsters of Filmland", which was quite fun. As I've laboriously detailed my love with monsters before, and so reading it was a fun time, even though I knew only a portion of the monsters listed (40%, to be exact). But hey, that's part of the fun, isn't it? It's like I'm reading those 30-year-old books in my grade school library again.

Anyway, for extra fun, I'll list ten more forgotten monsters. Let's see how many you've heard of.

Giant Fucking Mantis from Blue Monkey

I thought I should start with something a little familiar. People who know me well know that Blue Monkey is what I like to consider MY B-horror movie, if only because it was only until recently that I knew anyone was also willing to talk about it. I've written in detail about the film before, so just to let you know, it blows and blows hard. The monster in the movie is a big bug that evolved from a large parasitic organism that looked like bird crap that was removed from some jerk's neck and was fed a random blue liquid by some overly-precocious urchins. The only thing it really did during the movie was fill a room with bug ick and then decapitate a guy. Oh yeah, and come back to life before the credits rolled.
Aside from the fact that the movie itself is obscure, the fact that it's called Blue Monkey (which, as far as I can tell, is only so because one of the precocious kids makes a off-hand remark featuring 'blue monkey' at one point in the film) works against the BFM's favour as well. The last thing you expect to find in a movie called Blue Monkey is a big fucking mantis.

Titanosaurus from Terror of MechaGodzilla

Although Titanosaurus doesn't reach the level of 'special ed kaiju' like the CHUD-listed Baragon, he still gets no love because he's a goofy-looking bastard who's forced to play second fiddle to MechaGodzilla. Albeit, if you're going to end up being the sidekick to another of the G-Man's enemies, Mecha-G-Man would probably be the best choice (other good choice: Gigan and King Ghidora, although the latter needs as much help as I need loose leaf paper [read: not very much], but he never really gets a chance to define himself, and ends up dying an inglorious death after being knocked out of most of the fight by humans (you know you don't have to look forward to much in life when you are incapacitated by humans in a Godzilla movie.)

THE Robot from The Phantom Creeps

Bela Lugosi is the man. In the the 1939 serial The Phantom Creeps, he repeatedly tries to take over the world using his magic meteorite...and his large robot. The awesome thing about the robot is that they made it with that sort of 'Fu-Manchu-got-up-early-in-the-morning-and-hasn't-had-his-Folgers-yet' look on his face. I mean, it's not enough you travel around with an evil robot with you, but then you make it look like it's permanently grumpy. As I said, Bela Lugosi is the man.

Dark Overlord of the Universe from Howard the Duck

Howard the Duck is a pretty dire movie, but I do remember this beast scaring the ever-loving piss out of me when I was a kid. The Dark Lord yadda yadda spent most of the movie inside Dean Rooney, making him talk like he swallowed a whole potato and making redneck diners go nuts. By the time the real thing shows itself, its a horrendous crustacean beast...and even worse, there's more than one. Also, with a name like "Dark Overlord of the Universe", you can tell he's not the most modest intergalactic helldemon around.

The Mirror Monster from Conan the Destroyer

The main reason people don't remember this monster is because Conan the Destroyer is not a very good sequel to Conan the Barbarian. But, if people could overlook that fact, they would be able to find this blue-scaled-cape-wearing badass. He kicks Arnie's ass all over the place until the future-governor-of-California figures out that smashing the mirrors in the room he is currently in hurts it. So, he goes out like the world's weakest Legend of Zelda boss, but he still does more in his short time than both the evil wizard Thoth-Amon and the rhino-horned demon from the end of the movie, so there.

Cactus from Bagi, The Monster of Mighty Nature

I stumbled upon Bagi by accident, really. It's an animated movie directed by Astroboy creator Osamu Tezuka, who's so awesome he wore a beret all the time. The titular Monster of Mighty Nature was a purple cat/human/mutant thing, who spends the first half of the movie wearing female undergarments, because she thinks she's people, and then the second half completely feral. However, the monster I found most entertaining was the so-called Cactus, which appears when Bagi and the male hero are on a plane.
Apparently, and I don't really know if there was an explanation given for this, Cacti are a collection of green stretchy hands and tentacles. And they are alive. Huh. Anyway, the Cactus breaks out of its box in the cargo hold of the plane and proceeds to track down Bagi, also in the cargo hold, even though it doesn't have eyes, and try to do unpleasant things before male hero comes in a bludgeons it into submission. Again, I don't know if there was any explanation given for why it was there, why it was what it was, or...really, anything. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you know.

Saucer Men from Earth vs. The Flying Saucers

See, not all aliens are just out there to invade Earth without provocation. These poor Mandroid-looking homies were just passing by, and then WE started shooting at them. Why the hell wouldn't they fight back? And then we go figuring out their weakness and making them all die. So they're somehow halfway between Klaatu and Martians, but they'll always have a special place in my heart.

Frogs from Frogs

Long before Al Gore was telling us nature was pissed, there was this movie. About frogs, if you haven't figured it out yet. Although, really, the frogs themselves do very little, instead telepathically(!) telling the other, much more menacing animals to start running amok while some crotchety old tycoon, who loves the pollution BTW, has his birthday party. The frogs may not be the killers for most of the movie, but they do get to frog dance over the old bastard's corpse at the end, and I can't take that away from them.

Dianoga from Star Wars

Unlike Lak Sivrak, who made it on CHUD's list, the Dianoga has never been removed from the original film. However, its appearance is rarely acknowledged by the people at large, mainly because it really had nothing to do with anything. It was just a monster, possibly just an eye stalk and a tentacle, who lived in the Death Star's trash compactor for some reason.
For the longest time, I was somewhat bothered by the mystery of how it got into the Death Star's trash compactor. Not even my friend's Star Wars encyclopedia had an answer. Thankfully, I found the answer while looking for the above picture: they like to stow away in people's trash compactors. There you have it.

Dan Aykroyd from Twilight Zone: The Movie

Even if you can look past the controversy of the film's making, the only monsters you'll remember is the thing on the wing of the plane. But really, the thing that sorta freaked me out the most was Dan Aykroyd's prologue and epilogue character, who likes turning into a horrible demon to impress people, I guess. It was just unexpected, and now the words "you wanna see something REALLY scary?" have been immortalized within my psyche.


Friday, November 23, 2007

A Sign of Things to Come

Not a whole lot of Mario Galaxy playing going on in this house. This is because there is still important work to be done, and I might not get a significant amount of free time for another two weeks.

I will try to do something interesting tomorrow. Just thought I'd let you all know I was still alive.


Monday, November 12, 2007

Many things I've noticed about Dragon Ball Z from Watching It

-Humans are not good at throwing explosions at each other, and are usually the first to die in battle with things that are not human.

-The people on the DBZ world live with dinosaurs and anthropomorphic animals, and nobody seems to notice.

-Speaking of that, one of the DBZ movies features Hitler. There is no way to reconcile World War II and the Earth as established in the series.

-Both of Goku's children looked exactly the same as each other and Goku himself, indicating that rather than procreating in a normal fashion, he uses advanced cloning techniques. Either that, or they just have a disturbed family that shuns individuality.

-Goku and Piccolo were once forced by Chichi to get driver's licenses, even though they know how to fly, because Chichi is a bitch who thinks living 15 miles out in the wilderness was a good idea in the first place.

-The characters from the original Dragon Ball appear for continuity purposes only. They serve absolutely no other purpose.

-The term 'android' is thrown around quite loosely. Either that, or Akia Toriyama just really liked Blade Runner.

-There's no two ways around it: Cell's tail looks like a giant penis attached to his ass (the Scorpion in the 60s Spider-Man cartoon, as well). So, when he uses it to absorb characters, especially the female android, it is absolutely positively repulsive.

-The female android later had a grotesquely ugly child with Krillin. Krillin does not have a nose, and is comically short. Not exactly prime genetic material to be passed on with androids, which by itself makes very little sense.

-Going back, Goku's biological father looks exactly like him as well. This must be some sort of genetic disorder that prevents variation of any type.

-The power level scouters serve no other purpose but to be crushed in frustration.

-I doubt they figured out an actual mathematical system used to determine power level.

-In the very first episode, a farmer is driving a Chevy, clearly labeled as such.

-Everyone else drives a flying car. Indicating the farmer is dirt poor and cannot even afford a flying car in a world of dinosaurs and dog people that can still somehow have Hitler.

-Piccolo belonged to an all-male race. The source of population is an incredibly fat male. And then the fat one died, and the race and its planet exploded.

-After a while, blowing up a planet really isn't all that impressive.

-Buu, an ancient magical being in hibernation for countless eons, has worms.

-Old people buy a lot of porn. Oh wait, that's in all anime. Never mind.


This explains a lot... yet nothing at the same time.

For example, why Jesus can't stop smiling. Is it because he's Jesus?


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Sunday, November 11, 2007


The No Cussing Challenge! (Down right now but IT'LL BE BACK).

This 14-year-old wants you to CUT OUT WITH THE SAILOR TALK, and if you can do it, you're a COOL GUY. Also, it will prevent you from doing drugs and joining gangs and junk. Because you know how much I love following my best Big Lebowski impersonation with a good joint and blowing away the Crips.

I grant them that swearing when you're trying to make conversation makes you look like a pretentious wigger who others shan't take seriously. But they aren't talking about serious conversations. Or even in public scenarios. They mean all the time, even when just in casual conversation with your friends.

Now, when I look at 'swear words', I see only that: words. They can't hurt you. They are words that are used to exaggerate anger or comedy to appropriate levels. Since they sometimes refer to less-than-public concepts, they are to be used only when appropriate. So, when I see someone being 'offended' by cussing, even in private conversation, I don't see someone concerned about the national intellect. Rather, I see bland, sheltered, ultrawhite Christians with nothing better to do. The Flanders in flesh. Super-Osmonds. The whole thing about 'positive peer pressure' confirms this, at least in my mind.

Now, I might be a little too hard on a 14-year-old with a dream (albeit, a stupid, pointless dream). Besides, his parents probably put him up to it. I doubt any early teenybopper could buy a domain, produce T-Shirts to be distributed all over, and create a music video by himself. So yeah, his parents are damn pussy asscuntfuckers.


And now, yet another website I visit:


Your Webcomic is Bad and You Should Feel Bad

I can't help it. I find caustics throwing stones at lowly idiots to be funny. I enjoy partaking in it myself. So it makes complete sense that I find this, sadly not currently being updated, to be a work of pure genius.

The gang here points out the most insipid, vile pieces of online sequential filth commonly being made by egocentric losers, and rips them accordingly. And although the site had only been regular for a period of 4 months, it had gained enemies among the creators of those shitty comics, and their even stupider fans. And I love every minute of it. Every shot at knockoff artwork. Every blow against unnecessary and terribly-conceived drama. Every knock on deeply disturbing sub themes.

They put my own prejudice against VGCats into perfect hyperbole. I also love how they will never admit what webcomics they like, because they know that retards will try to poke at their criticisms of whatever crap they're a fan of by saying "well well well this comic does this and this and this and OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE DUMB >:(". That's what's called thinking ahead.

And after viewing some of the comics they bash, I can say that they deserve it. I wouldn't bat an eye if the creators of Shredded Moose get a pitchfork through their pea brains...multiple times. And then they are shot, just to make sure.

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Signs of the Earth Ending #37586

Devil Dinosaur & Moonboy are now in Heroclix.

I saw American Gangster last night. It was good - quite good, actually. Long, but it fills its time well (not in a way that makes it fly by, but you never feel it stretched itself thin). Even though I probably didn't understand it on all the levels it wanted, but I liked the very end of the movie. Like I've said before, I can't articulate my opinion on movies very goodly.

Awesomely, at the same time the movie opened, Ebert admitted Blade Runner into his great movie pantheon (if you are stupid and did not know because you are stupid, Ridley Scott directed both Blade Runner and American Gangster and motherfucking Alien, stupid). I just love the fact that he admits in his review "You know, I've never been too enthusiastic about this movie, but now I have to admit that it is significant". Cool beans, if I do say so myself.

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Monday, November 05, 2007


I'm talking about music a lot lately.

Top 100 Canadian Albums.

Not entirely bad, but some glaring wrongdoings:

*No New Pornographers...why?
*Okay guys, he maybe our biggest proprietor of mindless generic rock...but that doesn't make Bryan Adams suck any less.

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Sunday, November 04, 2007

I'm bored, and the time has changed

Here's my top 20 most-listened artists, according to LastFM:

1. Beck
2. New Pornographers
3. Sloan
4. Brian Wilson
5. Grandaddy
6. Frank Zappa
7. The Weakerthans
8. David Bowie
9. Radiohead
10. The Smashing Pumpkins
11. The Pixies
12. The Beatles
13. The Flaming Lips
14. Modest Mouse
15. The Arcade Fire
16. Blur
17. Jamiroquai
18. Sparklehorse
19. Jethro Tull
20. The Who

Now, the thing is, I only have a few songs by Blur, Jamiroquai, and Sparklehorse. I just listen to those songs obsessively. Those three are on my list of bands whose albums I want to buy, alongside Ween (#25) and The (International) Noise Conspiracy (#28).

I have three Beck albums.
I have three New Pornographers albums.
I have one Sloan album (and a Best Of, at that)
I have one Brian Wilson album
I have one Grandaddy album, and one EP
I have one Frank Zappa album (again, a Best Of)
I have three Weakerthans albums
I, unfortunately, do not have full Bowie albums.
I have three Radiohead albums
I have one Smashing Pumpkins albums

As to my actual favorite band, the top two is pretty accurate. Depending on the direction of the blowing wind, it will either be the New Pornographers or Beck. Depending on the alignment of planets, either Brian Wilson's SMiLE or Radiohead's OK Computer is my favorite album.

And thus is my music taste.

Now, a video:

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