Saturday, December 30, 2006

My Bestest of 2006

Well, 2006 is going out the door. Things happened this year, that's for sure. Some things never change, though: I drank a lot of slurpees, wrote some crap, didn't write some crap, and Grant Morrison still rocks the house a million times over. Anyways, for entertainment purposes, here's the highlights of the year in my perspective:

Best Internet Thread: "Snakes on a Blame" at CHUD's main forum section
Lots of candidates for this, most of whom I completely forget. Even so, this one stuck out.
Firstly, the CHUD forums are an awesome place to lurk. Lots of serious discussion by big movie lovers, and it's fascinating. It's also hilarious when a dumbass is detected, as the regulars shred into them like you wouldn't believe. I'll probably never post there, partially because I don't see enough movies, but also because I'm afraid of making myself look like a moron in front of those posters out of fear and respect.
Secondly, I really wasn't much of a SoAP hater, although I probably could have been if I tried more (two of my friends were particularly into the whole thing, thus I had some justification). CHUD was full of people who laughed when it first came out, but was soon very disgusted by the cult mentality of the rest of the Internet. And it all boils over in here, with the one poster recieveing a nasty lashing.
(Note: This is for reading purposes only. If you decide to necro it and post your own take like a dumbass, don't even think of refering back to me.)

Weirdest Internet Thread: "Why Cars will suck" also at the CHUD forums
Sweet christ, the fact that someone spent all that time to make this...I doubt I'll ever see anything like it again. Not that I want to.

Best New Album: Beck's The Information
I didn't exactly listen to alot of new-at-the-time albums in 2006, but now I'm in the groove (and thus, you'll get full reviews of Modest Mouse and The Arcade Fire's new albums as soon as they come out next year), but I did listen to quite a bit of Beck, and The Information probably ranks as my favorite Beck album. I guess I'm kinda weird that way.

Best Old Album: Brian Wilson's Smile
Finally got around to listening to this one, and boy does it kick ass. Every song is so wonderfully bright and cheery (even the scary-sounding ones), and they all flow together perfectly. It's a great album, and required listening for all human kind.

Best Luck: Me
Because I was finally able to find a copy of Astro Boy: Omega Factor for the GBA and the Space Ghost: Coasto Coast Volume 3 DVD. Suck it.

Best person, real or fictional: Detective Chimp
How could you not agree? He's Detective Chimp.

Stupidest Idiot: OJ Simpson

Best Comic Book: Nextwave
"Father Blood Drench Robo Crush has something in his lens..."

Best Old Game: Actraiser
I found it, played through it, saw through it's "I'm The Master, definetly not any sort of God..." facade, and had a helluva good time.

Best New Game: ....
Everyone wants me to say Zelda, and I will, just becuase it'll put me in the popular clique. But I enjoyed many games this year, and I can't think of which one to choose. Eh.

Best Website:
Haven't found something as consistently entertaining for a long time.

Best Blog: If Destroyed
Lots of interesting reads here. Paul O'Brien's other site, The X-Axis, is also essential reading.

Best Piece of Matter: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Yeah, this is the best of the year, most definetly. I've waited a long time for the new Smash Bros. to be announced, and it was, and it was good. I am heavily anticipating the release of the game, if you can't tell. The day it comes out, I will finally be able to rest in peace. After playing it non-stop for a few months, of course.

Let's see those videos again:

and finally....

Best Piece of Anti-Matter: Owlman

Because he's the goddamn Owlman.

In conclusion, 2006 rocked, but I am looking forward to the new year. However, what would I do if I wasn't looking forward to the new year? Use a time machine to relive the past year over and over again? Kill myself? Kill someone else? Get another slurpee? I like that last one.

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Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Hey ho here we go

Hope everyone enjoyed Christ Mass yesterday.

Kinda annoyed right now. I bought a new CD, but can't get the songs into my iTunes because it's freaking copy protected.

I'll get some 'best of 2006' thing on here soon, because it's what's hip with the kids these days.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

It's Christmas Time for WEN-DI-GO!

Well, it's Christmas eve. I have nothing festive to say, so here's the endings of two classic Konami licensed beat-'em-ups.

Remember: this was made before Smithers had any sort of real character development, so him being a mad bomber wasn't completely unjustified.

Still, it's really freaking odd that they used the same damn engine of the TMNT and X-Men games in The Simpsons. But then again, it sure is fun.

See? White Queen is a bitch wherever she goes. Also, is that supposed to be Master Mold? It could also be some sort of deformed Nimrod...doesn't matter, his roar is terrifying.

This one was a real favorite of mine. Back when we used to go to the Rec Centre for school track 'n field, we'd spend most of our time playing it.

Gotta love Magneto's dialogue too.
"I am Magneto! Master of Magnet!"
"X-Men come to die!"
"Kill you!"
"You shall meet with my wrath!"

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Friday, December 22, 2006

You'll never guess where I'm posting from!

Give up?
My Wii internet browser! Teehee!

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Monday, December 18, 2006

Visuals: Legion of Superheroes!

The latest VS set takes us 1000 years into the future...yes, it's time for those crazy kids in the Legion of Superheroes to shine on! Let's get on with the smart-alecking then...

Oh, what were you expecting? It's Bouncing Boy!

Terrifying, maybe even moreso than the Supergirl movie. Oh God, why did I bring that back!

Oh, so I guess they decided to go with 'Evolved Humanoid Snakey thing' Sensor rather than 'Little Snake with Robot Arms' Sensor. Not that it bothers me. I hope that last sentence doesn't reveal....errrr, impy...that I find snake women attractive....d'oh!

Uhhh...I'd get that eye checked. To my knowledge, pus isn't supposed to stream out of it like that.


Oh boy, if you thought leaving Infinite Crisis and Brother-I would keep you away from the eye/I stupidity...well, along comes Ekron.

Ho ho ho! Santa Mordru is in the house, just in time for the holidays. No coal from this guy, he'll switch the places of your face and your ass for shits and giggles.

His STARFINGER. I guess that's another thing you can do with your finger...

We have yet to confirm whether is flavor text is indeed a Futurama reference. Not that it matters...

Well, atleast they don't siphon away people's money on TV while telling the world that God hates fags...

"Desaad, remind me to destroy Dan Brown."

Hey, I found someone even creepier than Supergirl! But seriously, even lighten up on the liner or get some sleep.

I just love how Darkseid looks in the picture. 'Whatevuh, bitch."

Name of the bat...form of the flying squirrel!

You probably wish you could shoot lightning out your trumpet. Or that you could boost to summon Bumblebee.


Or, if you, like me, hate easy gags referencing moronic commericials:


That knee isn't busted...that knee is gone.

I really had a hard time figuring out what was going on here, until I noticed that Chameleon is stretching from the background into the foreground. Still, I proclaim it 'Worst Art Ever' for making me look dumb.

He's only wearing it because the hip thing with directors of government task forces.



I love this picture. I've never read a comic with him in it, but since he showed up in Heroclix around 2 years ago, I've loved Director Bones.
Also, this looks like the cover to a metal album.


1. Take a sealable plastic bag.
2. Fill it with every liquid chemical you can find under the sink.
3. Seal it.
4. Draw a face using a sharpee marker.
5. You now have you're very own Chemo!

Note: This arts 'n crafts project may not be suitable for children or stupid people.

Cool picture for a character we can now finally say has been made...finally.

Hey! Look! Another creepy picture! Damn contortionists.

There ya' go, folkaroonies. If Visuals is the only thing on my blog that interests you, come back in three months, when VS brings back Spider-Man and introduces the OMG Defenders.


Sunday, December 17, 2006

Forbid the Code

Be ready for a new Visuals tomorrow.

There's only 8 days remaining until Jesus' Not-Birthday. At the store I work at, they've been playing Christmas songs over the store peakers/radio/intercoms/whatever since the last two weeks of November. I'm completely Christmas Song'd out. Over a period of 6 hours, I can listen to about 3 or 4 variations of the same damn song. It's maddening. Anyways, am I the only one who finds a 40+-year-old crooner singing 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause' creepy?

Hey, you know what's awesome? Brian Wilson's Smile. Mrs. O'Leary's Cow is a seriously creepy song. Which, honestly, you'd never expect from a song called Mrs. O'Leary's Cow. Rock Rock Roll Plymouth Rock Rollover and all that jazz.

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Friday, December 15, 2006

Pour it On!

Metal Slug Anthology came out yesterday. If ya'll want to get the version for your Wii, you'll probably want to know what control schemes featured in that version.

Wii Remote - Probably the best control scheme. Basically, if you'ved played the Virtual Console games with your remote held like a NES controller, you know what to expect. Except that you have to shake the controller to throw grenades, which actually feels pretty good. Highly recommended.

Arcade - Nice idea: Use the remote like a joystick (I.E. tilt it left/right/up/down to do stuff), but it's pretty hard to figure how you're supposed to hold it so you can do things that actually would find useful.

Tilt Wii - Also pretty confusing to figure out how to hold it right, but probably less so than the arcade one. May be worth a try, but meh.

Nunchuck Only - Sounds simple enough, and it is, but I dunno, it feels kinda weird using 'shoulder' buttons to do primary actions. If you want to feel like you're using a magic egg to play the game, this is the way 2 go.

Nunchuck Control Stick - What could be considered to be the second most 'normal' alternate control style outside the Wii Remote config, you use the nunchuck stick to move, the A and B buttons on the remote to do things, and you flick the remote to grenade toss (once again). It's good, but it depends if you like sticks or D-pads more.

You can also use your Gamecube controllers to play the games if you find these cumbersome. Any way you go, Anthology is well-worth your money. They're some of the most fun, challenging arcade action titles of time, and they all are emulated well here, despite some loading times. Grab a friend, and shoot up those Saddam Nazis (if you play through the games, you know that's what they are.)


Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Read someone else's stuff so I don't have to be interesting

Newest member of the 'Daily Visit Club':

The Comics Curmudgeon, tearing apart the most bemusing of daily comic strips. Hilarious.

I'll write something when I fee like it.


Friday, December 08, 2006

Elite Beat Agents

A month late, but just in case you either held off on this one or just wanted to hear my take...

Elite Beat Agents is a remake/follow-up of a Japanese DS title called Osu! Takatae! Ouendan!, released earlier this year. Nintendo published both, and both were also developed by iNis (the group responsible for another cult music title, Guitaroo Man on the PS2). They both play exactly the same, but the asthetics and music in the two titles are tailor-made for their decided country of retail.

EBA would seem pretty simple to get a hang of, especially if you're familiar with other music games. Using the stylus, you tap the circles in order, drag your stylus following a ball, and spin the spinner, all to the beat of the music. It should only take you the training mission and first level to get the general hang of it. However, even when you know how to play it, the game will beat you mercilessly.

That's necessarily a bad thing. A game can still be fun while still challenging. And EBA is fun and very challenging. Not only will it take you a while to get the coveted higher ranks in each stage (even on the easier difficulty), the later stages and difficulties will most certainly require severa playovers to ultimately finish them at all.

What's driving the events, if you have any interest? Basically, you play as an elite squad of secret agents who appear out of nowhere to use music and dance to get people out of tough situations. These run from mundane (babysitting) to uncommon(helping two spoilt bimbos survive on a desert island) to utterly bizarre(helping a shamed former baseball star defeat a gigantic lava monster while simultaeneously reviving his career), all culminatiing with an invasion of music-hating aliens. The weirdness adds to the appeal, methinks.

Now, the music. The music has been a divider among people, it seems. It's certainly a mixed bag, but I think it all works for the game as it is. They're all pop songs, ranging from good (Deep Purple's 'Highway Star', David Bowie's 'Let's Dance', Jamiroquai's 'Canned Heat', Earth, Wind, and Fire's 'September',and an awesome last level with 'Jumping Jack Flash'), to the tolerable (Madonna, Chicago, blink-182, The Village People, and even The Jackson 5), to not-so-tolerable (Avril Lavigne, Ashlee Simpson). However, since I was more concerned with the game than the quality of all the music (I enjoyed Donkey Konga, just to let you know), so it really never affected my enjoyment. If you can endure Avril and Ashlee, there shouldn't be a problem there. Oh yeah, all the songs are covers, and they pretty well-handled (the guys they hired do their very best Bowie impression as I think humanly possible.)

Overall, if the game grabs your interest, it's going to be hard to shake off the addiction. The constant desire to do better in every level is probably the best kind of replay (I think), and EBA delivers that in spades. So yes, I do recommend this game. It's a competitor for Best DS game of 2006.


Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The Greatest Website Ever

Some of you will know what it really is, and thus laugh along with me. The rest of you will likely never come back here.

But then again, if you don't get the joke, then maybe I don't want you around here.

Wait...don't leave me...I'm so alone...

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Saturday, December 02, 2006

Sega Genesis Collection: Da review

I just started Zelda, so I'll update you on my progress. Since Metal Slug Anthology has been delayed(again!) to the 14th. Zelda is thus going to be my primary source of single-player entertainment.

And now, a very belated review of Sega Genesis Collection!

$25 netted me over two dozen Genesis games. Now, I was a SNES kid, so this collection holds no real nostalgic value to me. I remember playing some of these games at a friend's a while back, but the grand majority are new and shiny. Okay, shiny is going a bit too far. They're new...and dusty. Like some photograph from 1935 you found in your attic.

For the most part, you get a good value for what you pay for. Even though Sonic 1 & 2, Ristar, and Flicky were packaged in Sonic Mega Collection, and Vectorman 1 & 2 in Sonic Gems Collection, it's stil kinda worth it to get them all in here (especially since the Vectorman games were surrounded by crap in Gems, with Sonic CD being the major, major, major, major exception there.) Plus, you get a few cult favorites thrown in for good measure, and some trash. Even so, the good kinda outweighs the trash, and even tha€t very same trash has some entertainment value in them. It's also to be noted that alot of these games will be downloadable on the Wii's Virtual Console for the equivalent of $8 a pop, so this is a pretty good deal considering the alternatives.

The individual games:
Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle
Alex Kidd used to be Sega's mascot. I have no idea why Sonic took that role from this PJs wearing elf freak...anyways, this is pretty average NES-era platforming stuff. You go through levels, hitting things with your punches that Alex watches like the All-Seeing Eye, and collect coins. You also get some power-ups, but they aren't interesting enough to mention. The only thing that really stands out is Alex's ability to dropkick cars in the first level. Amazing.

Altered Beast
This was once the Genesis pack-in game. It is really a spectacularly stupid game, and not that good, either. However, it's spectacular stupidity nearly makes up for it. You walk across the stage punching and kicking things, until you smash the blue dogs to get your power-ups. The first power-up tears your shirt(a sign of POWER), the second one beefs you up to ridiculous levels(thus proving that your a 'roider), and the third one turns you into your creature form with incredibly cheap abilities. All this is further humorized by the bad voice clips("POWER UP!", "WELCOME YO YOUR DOOM!"). So while you may not actually enjoy playing it, you can atleast get a cheap laugh.

Bonanza Bros.
An interesting title. Basically, your hot dog-esque thieves must sneak into and around a house, picking up the various junk while avoiding or stunning armed police or SWAT with your gun(phasers are apparently set on 'pussy'). It's pretty much a stealth game from back when stealth games weren't hip with the kids. Probably alot better on 2-player, though.

I still can't quite fathom while Sega feels this game is a 'classic'. In a world of Puyo Puyos, Tetris Attacks, and more recently Meteos', Columns is pretty damn boring. Really not much else to say.

Comix Zone
Pretty nifty for being another hard-as-nails beat-the-crap-outta-things game, since it takes place within a comic book that requires you to flip around various panels and see some of your enemies being drawn into the game. If this comic was real, I would never buy it, but it's fine as a Genesis game.

Decap Attack
Another platformer, this time you play as a mummy that fires a head out of it's head. It's name is Chuck D. Head. When he jumps, it sounds like he's farting. Enticing, is it not?

Ecco the Dolphin
Still one of the most bizarre game concepts ever created: a dolphin travels through time to battle aliens and save his pod. Swimming around and 'listening' to your fellow sea life's 3rd-grade philosophical ramblings and 'solving' tedious 'puzzles' in your undersea realm, however, does not allow the enjoyment of this game to anywhere close to the weirdness. Even so, Ecco has a pretty deadly scream of pain.

Ecco: The Tides of Time
Even one boring time-travelling dolphin game wasn't enough! This one uses a 'good future/bad future' gimmick that was also found in Sonic CD. Without the narration by Tom 'Doctor Who Numero 4' Baker found in the later Dreamcast game, it's just another practice in 'Who the fuck cares?'

Ecco Jr.
MORE! This one is aimed at the young 'uns and forsakes the extreme annoying difficulty of the first two in favor of completely wholesome tasks that are nonetheless boring as hell. This one also comes with a 'Parents Section', which allows moms and dads to teach their children facts about dolphins while they play. Combining video games and education? Absolutely diabolical.

This was also featured (as I mentioned) in Sonic Mega Collection, and thoughout the two games, my opinion on Flicky has never changed: I dislike it. Basically, you run around to frantic and annoying music and collect baby chickens and bring them back to the exit while avoiding cats and lizard(or throwing flower pots at them). After an initial 30 seconds of 'What the helll...', you then say to yourself 'no more'. Just because the lead bird was later integrated into some Sonic games does not forgive this load. In fact, the main Sonic game featuring flicky was 3D Blast. Oh boy, it's a legacy of suck!

Gain Ground
The name alone has inspired a new expression among my posse, but you are not interested in our in-jokes, are you? No, you wanna hear about Gain Ground. Well, you walk all your gun/spear/bow armed warriors to the end of the top-down perspective stage, or kill all the Mongolians in sight. That's really all it is. It's fun for a level or two, but after that...well, let's just say that the game needs to GAIN MORE GROUND.

Golden Axe
It's also pretty dumb, but it's still fun. Play as the dwarf (playing as anyone other than the dwarf is an abomination), hack up some cloned barbarians, and kick those impish bastards who carry potions and food. Better with two, although that means SOMEONE's not gonna be the dwarf. Whoever doesn't play as the dwarf will henceforth be known as 'the forsaken one'.

Golden Axe II
Not all that much different from the first one, although the imps have been replaced with Orko-looking bastards carrying bibles. Still dumb fun, and you must still play as the dwarf or be shamed forever.

Golden Axe III
A bit different from the first two, mainly with your lack of an ability to play as the dwarf (WHAAAAAT?!). But you still beat up guards, but this time the guards have teamed up with fat midgets! Alot of people say this game is bad, but I don't see why. Albeit, you can't play as the dwarf, thus making this game terrible.

Kid Chameleon
Generic platformer ahoy. Despite being able to transform into several different douchebags in this virtual reality world, I really can't muster much enthusiasm for what is essentially running from left-to-right collecting valuables. Anyone who buys SGC for this is a fool and a Nazi.

Phantasy Star II
I hear this game has a pretty sizeable cult following. I really wouldn't know, I played it for a few minutes and found the auto-combat(you tell it what to do, yes, but when you tell it to go, it just goes on until you tell it to do something else) and huge bleeding(literally) frogs to be a bit jarring. I don't really feel like playing a traditional RPG right now, anyways.

Phantasy Star III
Apparently the black sheep of the PS series. I wouldn't know, I went through the opening part, laughed at it, and then didn't feel like playing it anymore.

Phantasy Star IV
Cut 'n paste: "I went through the opening part, laughed at it, and then didn't feel like playing it anymore." You can tell I am a really big fan of RPGs, eh? Well, I do like some, but for the most part I just kind pull up enough ability to play through lengthier games like this (I must complete Zelda, though). Maybe one day I'll actually, you know, play one of these games.

I remember that my friend had this, and we played it all the time. It's a bit different from most of the other platformers in the collection, as the little star kid uses his Stretch Armstrong-inspired 'Super-Grope' ability to get around. I like it, but I can't say it's a game you'll all adore.

Shadow Dancer
It's a sorta prequel/sequel to Revenge of Shinobi, but instead of just running around killing things very un-ninja like, you must now dart around saving hostages while simultaeneously killing things very un-ninja like. You also get a dog to help you attack. Despite early frustrations (this game is hard), I actually like it.

Shinobi III
If I had to pick a 'best game of the collection', this would be it (mainly because Sonic 1 & 2 were featured in other collections). It's just a really well-designed, fun ninja action romp with tons of cool ninja techniques. How the main character is considered all that skilled in ninja-ing, what with him wearing the very stealthy color of WHITE and just running right into the face of everyone and killing them in the most unsubtle fashion possible. Then again, the same question could be asked of most ninja games. Just play it and enjoy, it's guaranteed or I hate you.

Sonic the Hedgehog
You guys don't seriously want me to explain this game, do you? It should be common knowledge by now.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2
ctrl+v: "You guys don't seriously want me to explain this game, do you? It should be common knowledge by now."

Super Thunder Blade
It's a game about an attack helicopter, but you honestly can't tell half the time with all the million things attacking you at once and the bad graphics. Seriously unplayable stuff.

Sword of Vermillion
Honestly, I sped through the intro and then never even tried the main game. Sue me.

It's an action game starring a robot made of green balls. I can't beat the first boss. You may have some legal ground on the lawsuit for this write-up.

Vectorman 2
It's pretty much the same as the first, only with more morphing and bug shooting. Goddammit, I love shooting those buzzing bastards. Oh, and the game is okay, too.

Virtua Fighter 2
What happens when you take a very 3D game and put it on a very 2D console? Well...uhhh...this. Imagine Virtua Fighter 2, take everything that made it a true classic(including the old man drunken monkey fighter), and what you get is this version. The most redeeming quality: Your character's low-G jumping ability. I don't honestly know how that redeems the game at all, but that's the best thing I can come up with. Humor me.

There are also some unlockable arcade game, but I can almost guarantee that they won't hold your attention for more than 5 minutes.

I know, I make this sound very negative. But that's just to up the entertainment value of this rushed piece. The game still has enough good to warrant $25. Even if it missing some very crucial games (all three Streets of Rage titles, Toejam & Earl, and Gunstar Heroes. The latter two will be soon available on the Wii virtual console, though.)

There, are you satisfied, you vicious little...Overreacting. I will actually write something good some time in the future. Something that I didn't pound out in 30 minutes with no editing.