Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Silly Picture, Silly Story: Round 2!

And as the day wore on, the terror and carnage in Neverland continued. Bubbles, finally fed up after being abandoned by his master and mistreated by those who followed, decided that enough was enough. He wanted to vent, to unload his vengeance unto the world that had been cruel towards him, an innocent victim of the highest caliber.

But in order to enact such a vengeance, he needed the right tools. So for many months, he toiled in his cage. Planning, mapping, constructing in his mind a weapon of immeasurable power. He formulated his designs, and using a secret underground passage he had the giraffes build for him, was able to send these plans to the only people he knew could them to reality: the Russians.

All according to plan, the Russians received Bubbles' designs. But could they trust a chimp? And a capitalist chimp at that? Upon reading Bubbles' articulate note to them, however, they realized that putting their trust in this capitalist ape would not only possibly benefit him personally, but could send a message to chimps-formely-owned-by-musical-artists everywhere: You don't have to take it, benefiting the world at large. And so they begun work on the weapon, and Bubbles grew ever closer to his final conquest.

And lo, the seed spawned from his many months of planning grew. The Russians took careful precautions to make sure their project would not be found out by any rival nations, as the discovery of such devastating technology could lead to another arms race. And when it was finished, tested to perfection, it was a sight to behold.

This had taken many a year, all of which Bubbles waited out patiently. He paced in his cage, and in his mind, back and forth, back and forth. Each new day he felt would be the day he lost his sanity. But his waiting bore the fruit he had savored for so long.

As the sun rose on yet another day on the ranch, Bubbles woke and expected nothing other than a day like those past. But as he prepared for the same boredom and anguish, he heard a sound. The sort of sound you'd expect from a large creature, but if you listened closely, you could make out something vaguely mechanical about it. At first, he thought nothing of it. "Must be some of my larger cellmates" he thought to himself. But the sound continued. And it was soon followed by the violent shaking of the ground. A grin crossed Bubbles face. The day had come.

Suddenly, a crash. Bubbles looked on to see what he had dreamed so long: His creation, bursting from the walls. The vehicle itself did not look that much different from any other tank ever made, with a tan paint finish that would not look out of place in a CNN retrospective of the Gulf War. But it was not the style of Bubbles' creation that was important, it was the delicious substance of which it contained.

The top doorway of the tank opened up, and peering through it was a nameless lackey sent by the Russians to ensure the safe delivery of the precious cargo.
"Comrade Bubbles, you're ride, and freedom, has arrived!" the Russian said to Bubbles.

Bubbles, now armed with his ultimate tool of revenge, sets to crush his oppressors and destroy the place that had brought him so much pain throughout the years. His successful revolution was mainly due to his creation's secret weapon: a stream of jellybeans (in every color of the rainbow) that leave nothing but rubble in their wake.

Free at last, Bubbles with his invincible engine of destruction sets his sights higher. He will rally the downtrodden, like he once was, and together they will break the ruling class, until no one will ever be oppressed again.



Saturday, March 25, 2006

Silly Pic of the Day

Rick Jones, Kang, and The Supreme Intelligence decide to form their own biker gang. And when I say Biker gang, I mean Triker gang. They'll be the kings of the all the neighborhood five-year-olds.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

RE: Bulldozer

If y'all were wondering why my last post has such a strange title, blame the spellchecker.

That is all for tonight.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006


You know what I've been doing the last couple of days? Scouring the depths the fanboy hell, that's what. An explanation is needed, and here it is:

Remember when I noted the disturbingly high amount of Doc Ock fanart on DeviantArt? Well, believe it or not, I've been on that site for basically every day since then, digging through random scribbles, seemingly searching for something that I'll never find. Oh, but I did find some things: disturbing trends.

It's not like the site is some cesspool filled with art by aspiring serial rapists(although I can't discount the presence of a few of them). But you know,any large grouping of fans showing off their creativity will end up with a few of them with rather strange pleasures that they seem to have no qualm showing off (thank God for the anonymity of THE INTERNET). Some of them I can understand....some are just bizarre to me.

For example, I come across a few pictures depicting bloated (as in, fatter than the Blob on a chocolate binge) or pregnant women. What exactly do these mean? What purpose do they serve? On second thought, I have a bad feeling where this is going, and I don't want to touch it with a ten foot clown pole. Let's just...move on.

One of the biggest sections of the site is Anthro. Anthro meaning Anthropomorphism. You know, Furry art. Albeit, some of things in anthro don't seem to fit, because their artist has a incorrect definition of the concept. Anthropomorphism is applying human qualities to animals. So, it still must be mostly animal, with human features. However, some of the anthro art on the site is the opposite, where a mostly human being is given animal features. What is basically a human, only with cat ears or a snake's tail, is not anthropomorphic in my books. Feel the need to correct me on that, if you so desire. Not that you would ever do that while I'm on one of my logic rants.

As many disturbing things as I found, though, there are some genuinely talented artists on the site. Some actual professionals, too. You might want to browse the site, if you're absolutely bored out of your skull. Beware, though, the dark secrets of THE INTERNET.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I saw V For Vendetta

I liked it. The action was sleek (although that last one was a little to Matrix-esque), the political parody was well-done, and it kept me enthralled throughout. The one big surprise in the middle of the film won't be without it's What. The. Hell.'s from some audience members, but it made enough sense to me.

All in all, good fun, even without the approval of Alan Moore.

Finally: Yay, Yakety Sax!

Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy St. Patrick's Day

...yes, quite.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

There can only be one: Barber Edition!

A Hungarian hairdresser has ditched the traditional scissors and comb in favor of axes, swords and vacuum cleaners

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Silly Picture, Silly Story

Seen here is a rare illustration from the early 20th century, recounting one of the greatest battles to ever occur. Some people have mistaken this image for a political cartoon, but I am one of the few to know better. In fact, I'm the only one who knows better. What does that tell you about me?

In the year Nineteen-Hundred and five (there's probably a few X's in there somewhere), deep in the jungles of some country in South America (I don't care which one), the evil conquistador Pablo Melendez Aguirre Cortez Lecheros schemed to take over the United States of America! Using a combination of alien technology and black Mayan magic, he fused man and machine into horrific creatures called THE LOCO-MEN. With his army ready, Lecheros marched towards the north, prepared for a full-scale invasion of the United States of America!

Back in the United States of America! Their fearless leader, Teddy Roosevelt, with his powers granted to him by the Wizard Shazam, was flying around helping the people of his country. Using his mighty strength to move boulders from the farmer's fields, his hurricane breath to halt vast forest fires, and his icy breath to give children of the south the ability to enjoy winter fun and throw snowballs at the colored kids. When suddenly...

Use his super hearing, Roosevelt detected mass marching from the Southern borders of the United States of America! Flying to the source of the sound, he sees the armies of Loco-Men heading towards his great country, led by the evil conquistador Lucheros! Roosevelt then attempted to call his teammates in the Justice Lodge, but alas, they were out on their own missions. Looks like this threat is his to stop by himself!

Sweeping towards the colossal army, Roosevelt knocks several of the Loco-Men off their feet. He lands amongst their masses, and the battle begins! Using his unparalleled power, Roosevelt bashes the rampaging machine monsters left and right, wrestling them into submission and then throwing them back where they came from. This battle went on for quite some time. Soon enough, however, Roosevelt had defeated the legion of Loco-Men, leaving only him and the now companionless Lucheros. But Lucheros had other plans, most of which involved not getting clobbered by Roosevelt, and using one of his magic smoke bombs, he was enveloped in a grey cloud, and when it cleared, he was gone.

Although Lucheros escaped, Roosevelt know they would meet again. Many times, in fact. Each involving even more ludicrous situations than the last, and each ending exactly the same. But thus is the life of a great American hero, who's archenemy happens to be a Spanish conquistador with access to alien technology and black Mayan magic. The day, and the United States of America!, was safe once again, thanks to THEODORE ROOSEVELT!

Too awesome for textbooks, I say.


Monday, March 13, 2006

Damn you, Urkel!

I'm a monster fan, have been for a while. This came about as part of a chain of events that is boringly straightforward. Despite of this, I will explain those events in as much detail as possible, because I feel like it.

When I was young'in, I fancied myself an animal expert. Reading several glossy, picture-filled 'Information Books' and spending afternoons watching Kratt's Creatures tends to spawn that kind of behavior, and also gave me a chance to be a little smartass on several occasions. I was also a devoted gamer. I played Final Fantasy and Super Mario RPG on my SNES, and quite enjoyed them. One day, I picked up an issue of Nintendo Power and saw their Pokemon Power insert. Noticing that Pokemon was pretty similar to the games I loved before, and may also have piqued my nature-loving side. I decided I wanted it. And I got it, became hopelessly addicted to that game and was immersed in it's world. This lead, over the next few years, also becoming immersed in it's competitors, mainly Digimon(which, I tell you now, will be a central part many, many stories from me). Noticing these creature's strange names and appearances, I wanted to know more about their origins. So, I headed to my local library(Ha! I sound like a message from concerned children's advertisers now) and the ever-faithful thought construct called THE INTERNET. Searching for the answers to my bottomless questions, I discovered the wonderastic world of FOLKLORE AND MYTHOLOGY.

Oh, FOLKLORE AND MYTHOLOGY, how I fancied you when I got to know your soul. Your insane fables, your meathead heroes, and, most importantly of all, your fantastic beasts of yore. Your Cockatrices (heehee), Hodags (haha), and your Fuwch Frechs (okay, too obvious). They delighted me to no end, and I wanted to know about as many as possible. So I read more books, and went to more THE INTERNET sites, and absorbed all I possibly could. What a time it was to be inquisitive.

At the almost exact same time, I found a few books about old time movie monsters, and they joined up with their mythological brethren in my calvacade of research material. As odd as it was, by twelve I could recite the plots of such alumni as The Crawling Eye and The Man From Planet X. This information would later come in handy, as I could pull it out in random conversation and confuse the living hell out of everyone in the room.

These two also accompanied another weird field of my admiration: Cryptozoology. You know, Bigfoot, Nessie, Chupacabra and the like. This train of thought was also supported by programs on Discovery and TLC, which I started to watch much more frequently. In all, another batch of odd creatures, but this time, they could be REAL. Or, atleast that's the idea THE INTERNET gave to me. The idea of practically every major dinosaur hiding out in Africa, or some colossal sharks living in the ocean, or some blood-sucking worms in Mongolia, sounds ludicrous, and that's because they are. But, they DID find the hand of the Yeti! They did! They just...lost it (and the people in this field wonder why they get no respect...they're all a bunch of Gilligans!) As the chain goes on, Cryptozoology led my mind to other unsolved mysteries, and is the reason why I can't get Robert Stack's voice out of my head.

And this went on and on...until today. I think I've given in to my better judgment, and quit work on my Monsters of Myth and Lore encyclopedia that probably would've consumed my life. But, even though the monster thing as a hobby fell through as I grew world weary, sarcastic, and generally more apathetic, my library of knowledge on the subject and all it's relatives and chain-linked half-brothers remains intact. To this day, I could still tell you off the top of my head that Dark Dwarves descended from maggots on the body of the Frost Giant Ymir, or that the true weakness of the Basilisk is to hear the cry of the rooster, or even name off the entire Echidna/Typhon family tree. Not that you would ever ask me, I just would, and then you'd walk away.

Now, that being said, you may be thinking, "What the hell is wrong with this guy? He just spouted off for five paragraphs about the origin of his monster fetish. What in the fuck does that have to do with Urkel and his damnation? I'm gone!"

Wait, don't leave. I was just getting to that. C'mon! I swear it'll pay off in the end! Don't make me drug you!

Oh, good, you're back. Now, where was I....oh, right, that damned Urkel.

It was one of those lazy Sunday nights on THE INTERNET. I was waiting for threads of interest on all my forums to get replied to, hopefully igniting a delicious flamewar. A favorite activity of us all on THE INTERNET is to look up random stuff on Google, often attempting to find a combination of words that will bring in the fewest results. Not tonight, though, I was going straight. And that's when I thought to look up Kitsune on GIS. What's a Kitsune?

In Japanese folklore, the Kitsune is a mischievous spirit fox, known for it's shapeshifting tricks and general lack of empathy towards humanity (hey, just like most THE INTERNET users). If you're a regular viewer of anime or regular reader of manga, you've probably seen a couple of these bastards in one form or another running around. Many stories feature kitsune changing into beautiful women, seducing nobles, and generally fucking their lives up pretty good (hey, just like many THE INTERNET users). I remember this, because I saw it on a documentary narrated by a good buddy of mine who won't return my calls, Mark 'Luuuuuuuuke Skywaaaaaaalker' Hamill. Their weakness? Get one in human form drunk, and their lack of inhibitions will allow you to convince them to show their tails, or look in some reflecting object, revealing their true nature. This weakness is pretty common throughout Japanese myths (see also the Orochi), and it makes me wonder if the reason these creatures aren't around anymore is because they were introduced to the Irish.

Anyways, I decided to look up 'kitsune' on the GIS. After a few pages of anime screens, fanart that runs the gauntlet from mildly cute to slightly disturbing, I continue my normal scrolling & browsing, when my eyes caught an image that was not like the others:


How in the hell did Urkel get mixed in with anime and furry art? Was it a sign? A symbol akin to 666 (even though the number of the beast is actually 616, but you gotta go with the crowd)? Was this some sort of subtle sympton of the madness inspired by my sleepless hours scouring THE INTERNET? Did I piss off Jesus?

Or is it just goddamn Steve Urkel?

If you have any information regarding this case, call our toll-free number at 1-800-876-5353 or visit our website at http://www.unsolved.com.

(Note: Please do not contact either. You don't want to disturb Robert Stack's soul, bless it.)


Saturday, March 11, 2006

Don't Watch 'The Plague Dogs', Plus: Doc Ock Deviance?!

I've been thinking about random garbage the past few weeks, mainly to past the time at work, where I actually should be thinking about work. But, what are they gonna do about it? That's right, nothing.

Lately, I've been telling my friends to avoid watching The Plague Dogs, not because of lack of quality, but because it is a really depressing film. I've seen it only once, a while back when it was shown on Space's long-lost Space Bar late night movie sector. For those who know nothing of it and don't feel like clicking the IMDB link, the movie is a British animated tale from the 80s, revolving around two dogs who escape from a test facility and wander around talking and having flashbacks, and befriend a fox who is later mauled by a pack of bloodhounds. The one dog keeps having flashbacks to when his owner died (hit by a car...PWNED!!1!), and all the people on the street start blaming the dog for it (for reasons I can't remember, possibly because they're all drooling idiots). They are hunted down by the token faceless humans, who believe they are carrying a form of the bubonic plague (thus, the title of the movie). And the movie ends with the dogs swimming to an island for some reason. It was the follow-up to Watership Down, an equally bleak animated fable with talking animals.

In remembering these films, and the fact that they were very much for older audiences (the amount of blood and death in Watership alone would make most children cry, as well as I), I wonder how many people these days would even dare think about making an animated film that is adult-oriented (aside from Richard Linklater, with both 2001's Waking Life and the upcoming A Scanner Darkly) and taking it to a studio. Or, I wonder if they would shoot themselves before trying the same with a Bakshi-style R-rated (formely X-Rated) flick, ala Heavy Metal or Fritz the Cat? 'Fraid not, as some overprotective soccer moms who have no idea that some films are meant for kids (you know they're there) will likely break into your house, bound and gag you, burn the film and then beat you for good measure.

Okay, I've scared myself now. I'm going to lock the door extra tight tonight.

One final, unrelated observation: DeviantArt, that ever-wacky art site for teenage girls and people who like to think themselves as being teenage girls, has more Doctor Octopus fanart than I think is actually legal. Otto should be flattered, for sure, but it's still rather odd.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

There can only be one: Slurpee edition!

Four Attleboro teenagers were arrested early today after they allegedly robbed a convenience store using a "samurai'' style knife or sword, police said.

Monday, March 06, 2006

He's real to me!

Scientist claims Nessie is, in fact, a bunch of swimming circus elephants

I like this explanation, because it's silly and has the circus in it. I wish more scientific explanations had elephants or the circus in them. Wouldn't that be delightful?

However, on a more serious note, Ogopogo still exists, and there's nothing you can say that will convince me otherwise. Unless it involves elephants...or the circus. Or Gary Oldman.