Saturday, October 07, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Spooky Slurpee Straws!

You know, I just have to write SOME stuff about Halloween before it's too late. I know, we still got 3 weeks, but 3 weeks can pass just like that if you're not too careful. And I'm not too careful, how else would I have crashed into a deck skiing?

The first thing I would like to talk about this scary season is something that I would notice pretty easily. Ya see, I go to 7-11 and get a slurpee pretty much every day. Please don't feel the need to inform me how grossly unhealthy that is, I know already. And yet I go, all the time. Hot or cold, rain or snow, rapture or premier of new Disney TV original movie (which is pretty much the same as the rapture), I will go down to the local Sev to grab a Dr. Pepper ice water and maybe some gum.

So, recently I was down there to supply my filthy habit, and I noticed a new display. This display contained things my mortal eyes never expected. Of course, my mortal eyes wouldn't expect to see a black and white chicken, so their opinions on matters seem useless. Even so, there were plastic straws for use with my sugar. But they weren't just normal plastic straws, oh no. They were plastic straws that would devour your soul if you weren't looking. Yep, 7-11 gets into Halloween season by making their straws 500% more demonic.

There were 4 scary straws presented to me, surrounded by the cardboard embodiement of bad 'horror' jokes that even the Crypt Keeper would slap his bony head listening to (okay, they aren't that bad, but I draw the line at 'eeeeeeeeeeeeach'). Like all items of such nature, they are ridiculously overpriced (although not to the stage of last year's Yoda head cup lids, where you had to sell your first born into slave labor in order to afford a worthless piece of crap), but can you really put a price on making it look like your sucking out someone's vital heart juices? That's rhetorical.

Now, I would have pictures for you, but I (1)Don't have a camera that doesn't deserve to have it's children molested by camels, and (2)haven't actually pulled up the gusto to buy any of the stupid straws. But I guarantee you, the minute these two events don't stop me, I will give you visual evidence. Not that you would think I'm a liar about friggin' Halloween slurpee straws.

The first straw is probably my least favorite, if only because it doesn't really add anything to you drinking experience. The Fangs look just like any other gummy teeth you could buy not five inches away from wherever these straws are stored. Not that there isn't any fun to be head with them, as you could probably convince some fools that your straw is the recent incarnation of Dracula. Wouldn't that be an interesting installment of Castlevania.

The second is definetly the best of the bunch, for reasons quite obvious to anyone who sees it. The Telltale Heart has everything going for it: A realistic looking, translucent heart that, as I mentioned before, gives you the appearance of sucking the sugary blood of a large Iguana. That may not be a whole lot going for it to be considered 'everything', but bear in mind that heart juice sucking is currently the hottest trend among kids. Go read Teen Beat or whatever and see for yourself!

Three and four are similar, in that they are both skeletons. How many variations on skeletons can there be? Apparently, two. The one is a fairly generic skeleton stuck on your straw, which doesn't really mean anything other than that there is a fairly generic skeleton stuck on your straw. The other skeleton straw, however, rivals the Telltale Heart for general awesome straw awesomeness. At first, it looks like a Jack O' Lantern. Now, you may ask "I thought you said this was a skeleton straw, you bitch, not a Jack O' Lantern straw!" and I'd be like "Shut up, ho! I'm gettin' to it!" because I'm so ghetto. Seriously though, the pumpkin comes with a mechanism, and when you jerk that thing in the right way (wow, I can't believe I said that), the skeleton pops right out the top of the fucking pumpkin, surprising everyone, even those seasoned veterans of seeing things pop out of pumpkins. Don't ask me how such a mechanic is really practical on a drinking straw, I'm just amused enough that I won't ask questions. The Skeletons-in-pumpkins gods could be watching.

Are these straws really worth $1.50? Hell no. But you still have to be amused by the whole thing. Atleast you should, because it makes me happy. And a happy Matt during October is known to do some very generous things. To find out what, send me money!

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