Saturday, October 21, 2006

Halloween Insanity: Blue Monkey Sucks

What's the point of having a 'Halloween Column' if you only have two columns written with only two weeks left until Halloween? Don't ask me. I guess I'm just not enough into the Halloween. Which is odd because my birthday is exactly one week before the day of scary things; I should probably be like a pasty zombie-like kid to fit the stereotype.

Okay, for clarification on the last Halloween article. The 'generic' skeleton I mentioned actually does have some features...namely, being glow-in-the-dark(big whoop, I get that stuff in cereal boxes and they don't cost a buck fiddy). Also the bone bag is seemingly doing his best Home Alone salute. Skeletons love their Home Alone.

Now, for the main event...

Oh yes. I mentioned months ago of this little dandy. Blue Monkey from 1987 has the most misleading title of any movie or source of entertainment ever. This movie contains no monkeys, and not much blue, either. What it does contain, is a big bug, and very annoying kids.

Blue Monkey came into my life many years ago. Back then, Canada's Space network aired a weekend night segment called Space Bar, where the elf who would later host their news show and a sassy robot subjected us to movies are varying everything while giving us fun fax and smartass quips. This show also exposed me to King Kong vs. Godzilla and The Plague Dogs. But the most memorable film they ever showed was, of course, Blue Monkey. Yes, even more than the depressing dog cartoon, and that's saying alot.

I would really like to give you an in-depth review, but I don't not have a copy of this one tape...nor do I ever want one. So, the whole thing is going to be very vague and from memory. If any of my descriptions make you want to see the movie, I'm not doing my job. If you are not completely satisfied, visit one of the sites I will provide shortly after.

Okay, the film starts with a guy getting infected with...something. He is rushed to a hospital that was once an INSANE ASYLUM. Doctors remove something from him that looks like a piece of bird crap, and they leave it out in a dish. Late that night, some stupid little children take a stroll, find said bird crap thing, and in their wide-eyed innoccence pour a random blue liquid on it. It evolves into a giant bug and starts throwing it's bug ick all over the place. Generic Hero Guy, Generic Love Interest, and Generic Obsessed Wildlife Researcher Guy watch it spread bug ick. Meanwhile, it also spreads some disease throughout the hospital. For whatever reason, it gets pissed and starts chasing all the people in the hospital, even beheading a patient. It is 'killed' by an electric shock, everyone is happy. But it's NOT DEAD, and at the very end the beast springs back to life to set-up a sequel that everyone involved with making it knew was never going to be made.

There's the entire movie. Where a good film-fun-maker would've brought you hilarity in several paragraphs, I bring you boredom in one big block of text. You'll have to thanke me later, as I have to draw out the rest of the entry with ramblings about the movie in question.

So, why exactly is this giant bug movie called Blue Monkey? I couldn't give you a good answer. It seemingly comes from a throwaway line said by one of the over-precocious kids during the movie, but why the filmmakers decided that line deserved to marquee the film is beyond reasoning. They probably thought "nobody's going to see this movie anyway, so why must we have a sensible title?". Considering the subject matter, we probably could've done worse. Most Internet denizens would like it to be called Bugs in a Hospital, but I always chase them away with my broom before the little vermin get a chance.

Because of how little-known this film is, I like to call it mine. Yes, it's greedy, but when you are trying to look like a real cinema geek, calling out a movie like this adds to your facade. Of course, when a real Dreck-Dexter(wow, I can't believe I made that term up right now) comes along and starts prattling off about movies so obscure they wouldn't fill a timeslot on the deadzone of a 'Shitty Movies 24/7' channel(which should exist just to make this whole article seem more worthwhile), sending me and my Blue Monkey home with a our tails between out legs, I guess the whole idea wasn't so hot. I still lay claim to Blue Monkey, and am willing to marble shooter duel anyone for that claim.

I turn to Space on Friday nights to see what bad movies(or, when the moon is the full and the Barq's slurpee is available, good movies) they are showing. Yet, no matter how many films who's only merits involve bare chests I see, I can never forget the big bug film. Never. If there ever comes a time where I lose all my memory due to mole people brainwashing, I will still remember Blue Monkey. I couldn't be happier, because without that film, I would've had nothing to write about tonight.

Other people who acknowledge Blue Monkey's existance:

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