Tuesday, June 13, 2006

A Review of Wizard's '100 Greatest Villains'


Gah! I say I'm done with it, and they pull me in again! Wizard is the leading comics magazine, and most serious comic readers hate it. I'm not really on a such extreme side, but I find that my comic info needs are better served online.
Even so, Wizard is good at coming up with features that just catch me offguard and pull me in with my unending need for some new opinions to argue about. This time, they did it with a list of the 100 Greatest Villains of all time. It's overall not a bad list, far better than would be expected, but I still feel the need to go over the whole damn thing for you. Then maybe you won't have to spend the $5.99US/$7.99CAN cover price. I just enjoy taking money away from others.

100-Mr.Joshua(Lethal Weapon)
99-The Beholder(Dungeons & Dragons)
98-The Others(Lost)
97-Francis Buxton(Pee-Wee's Big Adventure)
96-Sephiroth(Final Fantasy VII)[I knew Sephi was gonna make it, but damn am I ever tired at looking at his pretty-boy face. He stabbed Aeris! Boo-hoo! Another FF villain, FFVI's Kefka, slaughtered millions and turned the world into a wasteland. Why no love for him?]
95-Stewie Griffin(Family Guy)[Personally, I find Stewie funniest when he's having Sexy parties or loving funky fruit hats.]
94-Brainiac(Superman:The Animated Series)
93-Norman Bates(Psycho)[I'm sorry I didn't get higher, mother...]
92-Dean Wormer(Animal House)
91-Auric Goldfinger(Goldfinger)
90-Gentlemen(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
89-Mr.Lumberg(Office Space)[Christ, I need to see Office Space...]
88-Frank Booth(Blue Velvet)
87-Endo(Lethal Weapon)
86-Mr.Blonde(Resevoir Dogs)
85-Col.Kurtz(Apocalypse Now)
84-Deathstroke(DC Comics)
83-The French Taunter(Monty Python and The Holy Grail)[Their fathers probably smell of elderberries...)
82-Luther(The Warriors)
81-Angel Eyes(The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly)
80-Clubber Lang(Rocky III)[Because every list must have some way to pity fools]
79-Cancer Man(X-Files)
78-R.J.Fletcher(UHF)[Wait...that's a Weird Al movie...]
77-The Flood(Halo)[Ah Halo...Everyone likes to beat up your sequel.]
76-The Socs(The Outsiders)[Having read the book in the 8th grade...this guys are Grade-A assholes. Do it for Johnny!]
75-Big Brother(1984)[-Insert current American Political Joke-]
74-Herr Starr(DC/Vertigo)[I've read only a few issues of Preacher. I gues I'll see this guy when I get to reading the entire series.]
73-Biff Tannen(Back to the Future)[Look over there!]
72-Tony Montana(Scarface)[Folk hero for Wiggers everywhere.]
71-Walter Peck(Ghostbusters)
70-The Balrog(Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring)[YOU SHALL NOT PASS!...the 70s mark]
69-J.R.Ewing(Dallas)
68-Megatron(Transformers)[He transforms into a gun. A GUN! That other robots have to shoot! What a useless power. Atleast he has that big arm cannon.]
67-Venom(Marvel Comics)[The embodiement of Marvel in the 90s! And no, that's not a good thing.]
66-Sideshow Bob(The Simpsons)[I could fill this with tons of hilarious Sideshow Bob quotes...Hey, that's a great idea! "The TRUTH? You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! I DERIDE your truth-handling abilities!"]
65-Kevin(Sin City)[This is one creepy bastard. I'm glad a dog eats him.]
64-Syndrome(The Incredibles)
63-Samara(The Ring)
62-Gollum(Lord of the Rings: Return of the King)[Internet meme time! PO-TA-TOES!]
61-Johnny Lawrence(The Karate Kid)
60-Judge Doom(Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)[REMEMBER ME, EDDY?]
59-Bob(Twin Peaks)
58-General Zod(Superman II)[Well, atleast Mr.T kneels before Zod...SHUDDUP, Foo'! QUI' WID DA JIBBA-JABBA! There, I ruined a perfectly good Zod comment...*sigh*]
57-Principal Ed Rooney(Ferris Bueller's Day Off)[The pic in the article reminds me more of the same actor's role in Howard the Duck.]
56-John Doe(Seven)
55-The Overlooking House(The Shining)
54-Leatherface(The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
53-Cobra Commander(G.I.Joe: A Real American Hero)[Remember, he was ONCE A MAAAAAAAN!]
52-Kid Miracleman(Eclipse Comics)[Must...read...Alan Moore...is essential...]
51-Catwoman(DC Comics)
50-Max Cady(Cape Fear)
49-Amanda Woodward(Melrose Place)[Melrose Place? Weird.]
48-Iago(Othello)[SHAKESPEARE?! Never expected it my the ADD Generation]
47-Bill the Butcher(Gangs of New York)
46-Starscream(Transformers)[You're an idiot, Starscream.]
45-Mr.Burns(The Simpsons)[Burns quote time! "You're Flower Power is no match for my...GLOWER POWER!"]
44-Godzilla(Godzilla)[History shows again and again how nature points out the folley of man...]
43-Serpentor(G.I.Joe:A Real American Hero)[I'm sorry...Serpentor sucks. Stabbing Duke in the heart with a snakey spear and sending him into a..COMA? WTF?...does not make up for your Vegas Casino Costume]

Intermission
Look! A sidebar for Tick villains! That show was so great...I mean, Eastern Bloc Robot Cowboy? How can you go wrong?

42-Keyser Soze(The Usual Suspects)
41-HAL 9000(2001: A Space Odyssey)[I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Dave.]
40-Buu(Dragon Ball Z)[Whatever you're opinion of DBZ, you gotta admit Buu did alot of damage. HE KILLED EVERYONE ON EARTH! Well, actually, considering that the Dragon Ball franchise continually attempts to one-ups itself in
terms of destruction, that's probably not very impressive now.]

39-Michael Corleone(The Godfather: Part II)
38-Dark Phoenix(Marvel Comics)[Hey, she killed everyone on a planet, too! Maybe she and Buu can go talk over coffee or something.]
37-Predator(Predator)
36-Alex Delarge(A Clockwork Orange)
35-Roddy Piper(WWE)[I have a tape that has Piper appearing on the Super Mario Bros. Super Show. Yep, that's something to be proud of.]
34-Mayor Richard Wilkins(Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
33-Tony Soprano(The Sopranos)
32-Hans Gruber(Die Hard)[Alan Rickman! Alan Rickman! ALAAAAAN RIIIIICKMAN!]
31-Gran Moff Tarkin(Star Wars)

Intermission
Hey, look, a debate! Is Boba Fett a good villain? The problem with these arguments is that there's just two polar extremes and basically no middle ground, meaning it is nothing more than a meaningless black/white scenario with little actual substance.

30-Dracula(Monster Squad)[Monster Squad? Of all the Draculas they could have chosen, they chose THIS ONE?]
29-T-1000(Terminator 2: Judgement Day]
28-Jabba The Hutt(Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)[What the hell was that thing he ate out of the bowl?]
27-Hillbillies(Deliverance)
26-Jason Voorhees(Friday the 13th)
25-Ozymandias(Watchmen)[Props to this choice. Teleporting a squid thing on NYC is pretty wacky.]
24-Agent Smith(The Matrix)
23-Darkseid(DC Comics)[Darkseid IS]
22-Thanos(Marvel Comics)[Screw you, DARKSEID IS! Go see a chick flick with Death or whatever...]
21-Red Skull(Marvel Comics)[Nazis are great villains. Bat-shit insane Nazis? Even better. Bat-shit insane Nazis with wrecked faces? Now we're in the Matt love zone.]

Intermission
The best comic supervillains teams:
1.Masters of Evil(Marvel Comics)
2.The Four(DC/Wildstorm)[Read Planetary. DO IT!]
3.Legion of Doom(DC Comics)[God Wizard, please get off the Alex Ross train. It's getting sickening.]
4.The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants(Marvel Comics)
5.The Rogues(DC Comics)[Gorilla Grodd wins. 4ever.]

20.Khan(Star Trek II)[Must..resist...urge to....KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!]
19.Green Goblin(Marvel Comics)
18.Galactus(Marvel Comics)[Eating planets is hardcore]
17.Magneto(Marvel Comics)[The worst part about Magneto is that YOU AGREE WITH HIM sometimes...]
16.The Thing(John Carpenter's The Thing)
15.Pennywise(It)
14.Freddy Kreuger(Nightmare on Elm Street)
13.Aliens(Alien)
12.Sauron(Lord of the Rings)
11.Darth Vader(Star Wars)["Most impressive.." Not really. Vader deserves better!]
10.The Shark(Jaws)[We're going to need a bigger...gah! There, saved you THAT time.]
9.Pinhead(Hellraiser)
8.Lex Luthor(DC comics)[Ya know, since Sexy LExy is he cover subject, I thought for sure he was going to be #1. Guess my ability to predict predictability is off.]
7.The Borg(Star Trek: The Next Generation)[Can't argue, especially since I have been assimilated]
6.Hannibal Lecter(Silence of the Lambs)

Intermission
Ten Villains We'd Like to Forget
10.CD Cenobite(Hellraiser III)
9.Typeface(Marvel Comics)[You need to find a new word to describe how horribly lame this guy this.]
8.Gargamel(The Smurfs)[HE TRIED, DAMMIT! Can't you just give him props for that?]
7.The Orphans(The Warriors)
6.Albert(Marvel comics)[A robot Wolverine? Apparently that's a section of the X-myhtos I'd rather not go.]
5.ED-209(Robocop)[But...but...DID YOU SEE HOW HE SHOT THAT GUY?]
4.King Tut(Batman)
3.Fusion the Twin Terror(Marvel Comics)
2.Tommy Gunn(Rocky V)
1.Nuclear Man(Superman IV: The Quest for Peace)Why, Christopher Reeve? DAMMIT, WHY!]

5.Zombies(Dawn of the Dead 2004)[That's pretty specific. I bet the Day of the Dead zombies could kick their asses!]
4.Dr.Doom(Marvel Comics)[My fave. DOOM IS SATISFIED!]
3.Palpatine(Star Wars)[Oh, c'mon! Vader threw this guy down a shaft! Vader so deserves NO.3!]
2.Pazuzu(The Exorcist)[Yep, the possessor's name was Pazuzu. Pazuzu. Pazuzu...]
1.The Joker(DC Comics)[I'm good with this decision. Joker is such a psycho, and he's damn scary. I mean, he killed Jason Todd! He crippled Barbara Gordon! He probably did some other stuff, too! Batman has his work cut out for him.]

As you can see, pretty decent. Althought I bet you're still foaming at the mouth that "X isn't on there" or "X should've been higher". But whadya gonna do? Oh yeah, spam their e-mail accounts. Good for you.

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