Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Something

I see people who want to buy/have bought of the Watchmen motion comic, and I honestly wonder WHY. I have come up with the following theories:

1) They are big fans of the old Marvel Superhero 'cartoons' ("The ever-lovin' Hulk! Hulk! Hulk!")

2) They have a secret love of Reading Rainbow, but feel they must watch something slightly more mature in order to avoid possible public embarrassment.

3) They are collectors who will buy anything branded with a name. In which case, they deserve to have their money siphoned away.

4) They are lazy-asses who can't even read a damn comic.

5) They honestly think this will be a different experience from reading the comic. Whether they came to this conclusion through ignorance or marketing trickery may vary from person to person.

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You know what I've figured out? The reason most of the Mega Man bosses are so memorable is because they were originally designed by children. Only children have the imagination to come with things so entertainingly simple (I mean, Heat Man is a zippo, that's pretty inspired). I mean, the guys at Capcom ultimately put the designs through their redrawing/standardization process, but they are smart enough to let the original child-like 'feel' of the characters shine through.

As someone who still likes drawing robots, it is something hard to capture in my age.

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Oh yeah, last issue of Planetary is out in October. The last full book might make it in March of next year, if Amazon's prediction (they had the date up before the release of the last issue of announced) comes true.

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Monday, July 20, 2009

Already Dead

It wasn't that long ago that I was complaining that there was no one to talk to online about TMNT: Smash Up. Now that I've seen both major communities devoted to the game, I want to go back to being alone. This is how my standards work.

I can't sleep because it's too hot in here. I have two fans on and a window cracked open and I'm still too hot. This is the downside of summer.

The upside of summer: I'm not too cold.

Just now I'm reading the comments to this, and it got me a-thinkin', about the omnipresent concept of 'dumb fun'.

Dumb fun does, in fact, exist, and it is completely alright. The problem, especially today (and especially considering the material discussed in the post, IE modern superhero comic events), is that they're almost uniformly all dumb and no fun. Postmodern audience awareness has made it so that silliness is now a detriment, and unfortunately that also has a negative effect on creativity. Plus, everyone now thinks they're a genius, and especially in the case of mainstream superhero comics, they are serious writers writing serious literature, even if that serious literature involves zombie Green Lanterns.
So, really, dumb fun is dead, or at least in hiding. In its place is dumb plodding self-aggrandizing tedium.

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Satellites

While browsing Planet Simpson again, I found the exchange on the show that best displays what I think of other nerds:

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
Bart: Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
Comic Book Guy: As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
Bart: What? They're giving you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? If anything, you owe them.
Comic Book Guy: [pauses] Worst episode ever.

(From "The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show")

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Saturday, June 06, 2009

Little Wonder

I know I don't need to say this, but online nerd communities need to stop finding and overusing dumb buzzwords.

The current target of my ire is the term 'IP'. When online game nerds use the term 'IP', they are referring to a game or game series. They will often use this when they talk about a game company creating new games or series. For example: "I was hoping Nintendo would reveal some new IPs at E3 this year". This term is idiotic.

Now, I don't know exactly where it originated, but chances it came from the mouth of a PR hack, like most buzzwords (for example 'casual/core', another one that gets my goat)and was picked up by gamers. So it is a marketing term, and for whatever reason gamers latch onto marketing terms. That by itself is reason enough to hate its usage: as a symbol of our continuing spiral into pure consumer horror.

In a marketing sense, it makes sense to a degree. To the people making money, acquiring copyrights (the 'Intellectual Property') is a good business decision, especially now that past experience has shown them that they need to viciously stake their creative claims for good, lest they end up like that Lovercraft fellow (Did you know any Joe Moron on the street can write books about Hastur and the man and/or his estate wouldn't get a penny? MONSTROUS!) But game nerds aren't the people who make money off of copyrights, so why would they adopt the lingo? Even worse, using a term like 'IP' to describe creative output makes it sound a lot more...soulless. They may, in the end, be consumer products, but the people who put their time and effort into making them deserve some sort of respect...most of the time.

Besides, I thought gamers wanted their hobby to be treated as art (I'm not one of them, for your information)? You don't see people describing the latest books an author's 'IP', nor do you see movie studios 'creating new IPs'. Even the most hacked-out works get some level of respect on the artistic level. So why can't games?

Of course, I completely overlook the fact that the term is short and catchy, and hey if everyone else is doing it...You know, the reasons why things become common slang. And why do I care so much? I can't answer that; I honestly don't know my own motives.

I'm just a bitter person. That is all.

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Thursday, March 19, 2009

!_!

Why is this a controversy?

Oh yeah, that's right: gamers are thin-skinned little ninnies.

God forbid people trying to advise against an excessively sedantary lifestyle use an example of an excessively sedantary lifestyle.

"The Council" at the ASA found that most readers would understand that the ad was simply discouraging a sedentary lifestyle -- yes, but then why not put something else in the boy's hands ... like a book?"

Yes, because you know what all these fat children are doing that gets them so fat? Spending too much time reading books. YEAH, that's it...

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

A very long and nerdy post

Cross-posted here, it is the long-awaited second part in my series of articles based on the time speculating about Super Smash Bros. Brawl on the Internet. It is very, very long and so niche you can't possibly care. Here's the first part. I hope to get the final part done by March 9th, for exactness and all.

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In the last instalment, we saw the game announced with a few surprises in tow. Not long after, cryptic statements helped contribute to the thoughts, the battles, and the pain. I revealed my own involvement in the dreaded online character cults. And after 6 months and two trailers revealing pretty much bare bones information, silence reigned….

March 28th, 2007
It had been months since our last update. No news, no interviews with important information, nothing. Those impatient little dimwits cried about it for days on end. “Why, Nintendo, why?” they whined. Every convention/other opportunity was seen as a chance for Brawl tidbits, but nothing came, not even a firmer release date.
The first major Brawl-related news bit of 2007 wasn’t even about Brawl directly. On this day, it was announced that, after over a decade of rivalry, Mario and Sonic would finally appear together in one game, Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games.
Of course, after months of debating 3rd party involvement in Brawl (where everyone from Mega Man to Kingdom Hearts’ Sora were seen as candidates, and reason was tossed out the window and impaled on broken glass), some saw this is a major break. Sonic discussion was mandatory, and its oligatoryness made it seem like a background element to all the other discussions. Even so, here’s a chance to get some info, because all the interviewers asking about this game has GOT to bring up Smash Bros.
And they did, and we got…nothing. ‘No comment’ from one, as should be expected. However, the other interviewed rep made the statement “That’s not on the cards right now”, something to carries a bit more meaning to overanalysts, despite lacking any. Some saw this as a sign that Sonic wasn’t going to make it, and proclaimed repeatedly. Others, mostly those whose denial was based on fanboyism rather than logic, cried back. It was par of course for Smash Bros. discussion. And it would be a bit longer before this one would be locked.
This provided a decent enough break from the monotony of months-old speculation, but it soon went back to “Which characters should return LOL”. Thankfully, it wouldn’t be long until the next miniscule moment of enlightenment.


April 2007
Of course, Brawl was the subject of April Fools jokes. How could it not? None of those jokes were particularly good, but they were there. They were about all we had at the time.
Then came my next contribution to the Smash masses. While perusing NSider against my better judgement, I stumbled upon a thread linking to a Korean site with a scan from Corcoro Comics, one of Japan’s premier comic magazines. This scanned showed a page with some Brawl art and text nearby, and some translators determined that the mag would have a feature of the game in next month’s issue. I quickly broke my cyber exile from Smashboards and posted the thing. Excitement swept the land. It appeared everywhere. Of course, the vagueness of the magazine’s text led many to believe, wrongly, that there would be a new character revealed. Such are the actions of simpletons. Even so, it all made some level of sense, as Corocoro had spent a good time before the release of the newest Pokemon games revealing some of the new critters before anyone else. We’d just have to wait and see.
Around the same time frame, we got a rather bizarre break from Hideo Kojima himself. At some convention, Kojima was asked about Smash, to which he replied that he and Sakurai had played the game not long ago, and Kojima claimed “It feels really complete” and “If they released it right now, they’d sell a million copies”. These statements, of course just compliments from a friend, were taken deadly seriously by many message boarders.

May/June 2007
We had been hearing that more information was coming. We prayed for that information. And then we got eventually got it.
In mid-May, the Smash Bros. Dojo website was taken down and replaced by a countdown of around a week. “Oh boy!” We all thought. “We are getting new stuff, finally!” Conveniently, this came at the same time we learned the CoroCoro thing was a bust. And so we waited, and waited for that time. In the meantime, there was anti-comedy afoot: the ‘Japan Time’ note contained on the page became a meme at places like NeoGAF, and like all memes at NeoGAF, it was driven into the ground like a drill.
I remember when the day came; I was so excited I couldn’t sleep. For that reason, the fact that the actual site update didn’t come until 2 AM probably wasn’t the best for me. And when the update came…
I can’t say the first posts on the Dojo were received very well. They had waited a week, and were expecting quite a bit, and what they got was…introductory posts. Not unexpected or illogical, but not what they were building up to. I mean, the world held its breath for 6 months for this news!
The reaction was not really outright disappointment, but rather something a bit lukewarm. The early posts did give some fuel to the fire, though – mainly through the Musicians post, which was incredible on its own. It got some pretty early speculation going on, but unfortunately based on wrong connections – the site listed the major games that the composers had worked on before, and this led to people thinking that Brawl must feature content from some of those games in some way (apparently the idea of ‘freelancing’ eluded them that moment). It died out pretty quickly, I thought, although some people (even IGN) held on to the belief that the hired musicians meant something to third party participation until the very end.
The first three weeks of the Dojo were basically getting us into the idea of the Dojo. There wasn’t really much in the way of exciting new stuff during that time; some new items, some new special moves, some fun new concepts (I thought moving and shooting was pretty damn swell), a new stage…but that was pretty much it for most of the first month or so, and people complained (especially when the game explained basic concepts like Recovery), as they are wont to.
The major updates for that time period were the explanations of the Final Smashes (the super moves from the first trailer) and the controller options. The former solved a mystery that had been in our minds for a year (and to think, some people had been convinced that the absence of the final smashes in the second video meant they were cut out or were ‘just for show’), and spurred another tournament player item/no item firestorm. The latter was very important, as it explained that all the compatible controllers were usable in the game (solving the mystery of what controller would be used in the game and ending another dumb forum argument), as well as told us that there would be customizable controls, which was great (and would be expanded upon in future updates, neither of which were met with much fanfare, strangely). Of course, this would also lead to tournament players claiming that anyone using any controller other than the Gamecube one would be ‘gimped’, but you take the bad with the good sometimes.
After the initial month of mostly recapping and basics, the updates really started picking up in the last month of June, when we finally got a new (but old) character in Zelda. Updates started becoming something to really look forward to, and the constant stream of whining ceased for the time being. Plus, E3 was right around the corner, and who knows what could go on there…
One final note for this month: the trend of misunderstanding or questioning interpretations of the posts began pretty early on. I must admit, I didn’t quite grasp the concept of rolling crates in the beginning. Other sources of confusion: the phrase “but once” in the Final Smash update, the explanation for aiming the Cracker Launcher, the naming of the Ridley song as ‘Metroid Boss Battle’ (did it mean Ridley was a boss?), and Wario’s ‘new martial arts that other characters cannot even see’. These ones were more minor confusions, but future posts had people questioning the translation or what the actual sentence means, mostly so they can construe it to their whims.

July 2007
July started with a bang and never really let up until months later. The first update of the month told us about ‘Assist Trophies’, a feature that was well-received but nonetheless controversial. It let characters that would otherwise not be in the game in any major capacity get their chance in the spotlight, but what would your reaction be if a character you were gunning for as playable was only in the game as an item? This would be brought up again and again in subsequent months as excitement and disappointment came with each newly revealed Assist Trophy. Like the previous month’s entries, there was some confusion with the concept – for example, did your character disappear when they used it? The only evidence was in how some screenshots were framed, but that was it.
The rest of the week was up to snuff as well: the return of Bowser (and his awesome final smash) and a new stage was swell stuff. And the next week, we got the return of the Bumper from the original Smash Bros.! All this, though, was lead-up to E3.
Now, one thing to remember: it had been announced earlier that the E3 we knew and loved was no more, to be replaced by a more conventional series of announcements and demonstrations (which was entirely reasonable, considering the needlessly bloated carnival E3 really was most of the time). This meant that there really was no way there would nearly as much mayhem in the Nintendo booth as there was last year. Even so, we waited in anticipation to see what Brawl info we could get.
What we got was a short movie, which was perfectly okay, and a release date, December 3rd, which was great. We scoured the video looking for any new elements not yet revealed on the Dojo, which consisted entirely of Donkey Kong, who appeared on the site the next day. Despite the small feeling of E3, I think most of us Smash fans were reasonably satisfied by it. Plus, we now knew where to mark our calendars.
The last update of the week was also a doozy: an Animal Crossing stage. This of course led discussions into a possible AC character, as the stage had to mean SOMETHING (in fact, no it didn’t). This would also be a source of debate until the end, as people could not, COULD NOT, give up the possibility of a playable AC character (even the ones who were clearly in the background of the stage, like Tom Nook). Some of the names they came up for the generic human character were pretty kooky as well – Animal Crosser? Doesn’t sound particularly family-friendly.
The rest of the month was good fun, but nothing that caused a massive stir. We got some more characters that were half-new (Yoshi and Zero Suit Samus), a couple of stages (the Rumble Falls stage was the cause of a minor spat in which people who thought the Ice Climbers could only have one stage design immediately jumped to the conclusion that they were out because Rumble Falls was in that mould), more Assist Trophies, and other such nonsense. The major potboiler was a mysterious update, bordered in black, which explained things about ‘this world’ and ended with an ominous message and a screenshot of a weird robot thing. I think most people guessed this was a teaser for the ‘beefed up’ Adventure mode mentioned before (the fact that it was in the section titled ‘Mode A’ helped that along a bit), but that didn’t stop some from coming up with crazy theories (for example, that it was actually teasing the online mode, and the ominous messages were talking about punishment for cheating or other such drivel).
Before we move on, one more thing: the so-called ‘Icon Theory’ (which may have had its roots earlier) was solidified in July. The ‘Icon Theory’ was basically checking the image name of the series icons presented in the top left corner of the updates, arranging the icons into a list based on how their names were numbered, and using that list to determined how many series are represented (have icons) in the game. Really, out of all the methods we had for trying to figure out stuff ahead of time, it was probably the best one, although there were arguments over how the order of the list worked (in the end, there was an order, but not that orderly an order). It became one of those integral things posted on most message boards over the coming months as new icons were revealed, and was another source of hope and disappointment for many.

August 2007
The first update in August was late for some reason. This would be common in August, but it also meant good things – it usually signalled something big. And the first update in August was big – our first completely brand new character in over a year, Ike. The shot heard round the Internet; the beginning of a new frenzy.
Not to be outdone, the last update of the same week solved the mystery of the black update by revealing the new Adventure mode, titled ‘The Subspace Emissary’, and featuring a big story, sidescrolling action, and cutscenes, cutscenes, cutscenes! Now a whole new sector of speculation came to be, and it was out the gate trying to figure out what those enemies were, or where that stage is from (although they ended up being completely original, we were still under the impression that the stages and enemies could be game-based), or trying to figure out the whole plot (is Meta Knight the villain?). Subsequent updates in the same month introducing the names of the villain group and introducing the concept of bosses (which, like the Assist Trophies, gave another avenue for fans to speculate character choices) added to the magical mystery of this new mode. Of course, some of the obviously hyped-up language used to describe the adventure mode (“And we fit it on one disc!”) would ultimately come to bite it in the ass, but we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
The rest of August was likewise filled with surprises and wonder. Two more brand new characters appeared within weeks of each other, and one more returning character (Peach, who actually appeared earlier in the Subspace Emissary video) filled the ranks. The two new ones were not without some level of controversy, but then again which ones were completely beloved upon arrival? (There actually were, but those come later). Pokemon Trainer, the second new character of August, was pretty well-accepted, although his game mechanics weren’t entirely clear on the outset. The big thing was the diehard Poke-fans wondering why his name wasn’t Red, the ‘canonical’ name for that particular Pokemon Trainer blah blah, nobody cares. The third new character, Diddy Kong…well, not everyone likes him very much. He’s a kid sidekick after all, and those tend not to be fan favourites. Even so, I can’t say no to monkeys, and he looked fun, so I was on his side from the beginning. The controversies were generally pretty small, and subsided rather quickly.
The characters and Subspace posts held the entire month, with the rest of the updates were okay, and included some new stages, Assist Trophies, and the like. It was a great way to cap off a great summer for Smash Bros. information, and would keep the people satisfied over the next month, which quieted down a bit.

September 2007
After an incredible August, September seemed almost quaint. Which isn’t to say that there were no exciting announcements that month; quite the opposite, actually. But the announcements based on gameplay barely ever stirred the base like new characters did, and there were no new characters that month.
Let’s start with the important stuff: the major features debuting in September were the Online mode and My Music. After months of wondering if the game was going to be online at all (even though that was the main points of making it in the first place), the announcement was one of the most well-received of all, even though the very first post about it mentioned all the features (friend codes, limited communication, possibility of lag) that everyone would be bitching about when they finally got the game. But hey, it was online!
My Music once again opened up another avenue for speculation, or at least opened it up more so. The site had been offering music samples since day 1, and people speculated on music as they normally would. But with My Music, it was evident that the actual soundtrack would be even more epic than originally thought, and people upped the ante on their music guesses. All in all, a very nice feature, although its inclusion did cause some ruckus by those who wanted completely custom soundtracks (which I just don’t think makes sense for this game) so they can play their (almost certainly bad, they’re gamers, after all) tunes over their battles.
The rest of the month was generally typical, but good. Two of the characters featured that month were already known – Meta Knight (who for his three month absence was actually being thought as a possible secret character) and Snake (whose update, finally showing us his special moves and a general idea of how he plays, was previewed a day earlier at a conference at the Tokyo Game Show). The third was a bit surprising to some – the return of the Ice Climbers. Being characters who aren’t from an essentially popular franchise, some thought they were expendable (which they aren’t), and the rumours from the previous year indicated they could be gone and replaced. Well, if that dumb rumour hadn’t been killed and forgotten by then, it was when that update appeared. Good riddance to Internet garbage.
Some of the other updates that month got some responses – Mario got FLUDD as a special move, the Special match options returned, we got to look at some the new enemies in the Adventure mode (killing most ideas that they were being culled from other games), and some amusing Assist Trophies (including Lyn, a Fire Emblem character with a following that mourned her obvious non-playable status). The month capped off with an oddly symmetrical week (two returning game modes, two final smashes, and an Assist Trophy in between).
And now, the stage was the set…for the big stuff.

October 2007
After taking a sort-of break in September, things went back into full swing in October, bringing in three all-new characters and a bunch of other stuff.
The new characters were an exciting lot – the first day we got Mother 3’s Lucas, much to the joy of those raving lunatic fanboys at Starmen.net (who actually stated beforehand that they had sources who indicated him being in the game, among other things that would also come to pass), and later in the month we got the awesome King Dedede, a crowd pleaser. Lucas created another bit of controversy – since he looked similar to Ness, and since the Japanese Melee website mentioned that the developers had thought of replacing Ness with Lucas had Earthbound 64 (the original version of Mother 3) been released, we wondered if Ness was replaced by Lucas, or would return. The description on the page “Can he surpass even Ness” was interpreted as indicating both. This was a major argument for months, as Ness fans looked for hints that he’d be back and detractors (which I must say I was a part of, not because I didn’t like Ness, but because based on the information provided, I thought he and Lucas were too similar) torn them down. It was a cycle that did not end until the game came out.
But neither could surpass the mania inspired by the character confirmed between them – Sonic.
It came as a surprise announcement in the middle of the night – Nintendo held a conference, announced a bunch of stuff, and showed off two Smash Bros. videos, one making all our wishes come true by showing Sonic battling it out with the rest of the cast. After months of wondering whether or not he’d make it, we got what we wanted, and it was glorious.
The two videos actually showed a lot – it was our first footage of ‘up-to-date’ gameplay, including the new character head boxes beside the damage meters (which were confirmed in the Online post), and a couple of attacks, taunts, and some slipped new stages in the background (Norfair was the main one, but it also appears that a secret stage, Spear Pillar, was also shown). So, aside from Sonic, we actually got quite a bit on that day. And we were to get even more, because alongside the announcement came playable demos for the press.
Yes, soon videos of people actually playing the game surfaced, and we basked in the glow. What we didn’t learn from the videos, we definitely got from the demos – special moves, changes in characters, stages, final smashes, Assist trophies, items, game mechanics, etc. etc. The week after, players who could make it to E For All got the same demo, and thus we got non-press reactions. E For All also had some footage of the Adventure mode, which added to the speculation for that as well. In any case, the impressions were generally good, and no one was bitching about things as of yet (although the beginnings of it were well in place. Everyone was just a little bit high on the moment to care that much). With E For All, however, also came impressions and things learned from the game that were…less than true. All the public demos would garner fake information, and some of it was even accepted for quite a while.
Of course, all these goodies came at a price…it was soon after announced that the game was delayed until February 9th, 2008. Strangely, the reaction to this wasn’t all that bad…I think, at least getting a real glimpse of the game was enough for people. Plus, we could see we were getting a pretty content-filled game, so maybe we just knew it was going to be worth the extra two months.
Not to be outdone, the Dojo posted numerous things that weren’t even in the demo – three new stages, many returning game modes, Snake’s hilarious Codec conversations (which sparked some minor debate about how they would be handled in the game, as in, would they interrupt it?), and of course Dedede. We also got news of lots of co-op modes, including Adventure, Target Test, and Home-Run Contest, which was much appreciated. The Target Test even included the first mention of the (decent but somewhat limited) replay saving feature, which added to the fun. We also got the Stage Builder, another new feature that blew minds, although it would eventually cause nitpicking. On a lesser note, the return of Classic update, which talked about collecting coins, created some mystery about what the coins would be used for (which wasn’t ‘shopping’, as the update put it).
All in all, October was a good month. But was it too good? Would following months live up to it? Well…

November 2007
November starts a period I like to call ‘The Great Whining’. How so? After all the features revealed in October, alongside the demo, people kept expecting their desire to be fulfilled daily. But the Dojo still had to catch up on a number of things revealed in the demo, and that consisted of a good chunk of the month. This alone caused people to whine about how boring the updates were getting, because they knew this stuff already. The rest of the updates didn’t help, as there were no new characters all month (one of the main reasons for moaning, and a defining feature of The Great Whining), and the thing was pretty much basic feature-heavy.
Although updates like the ones on the return of character entrances, multiple taunts, and the colour varieties were good, they lost impact because of the demo. And the others, on things like the new handicap options, widescreen mode, and Training were a tad underwhelming for the audience. Even some features that should have sparked some interest, like the Spectator mode, were met with hostility for no reason other than boredom-induced groaning.
Although new final smashes, Assist Trophies, and music appeared throughout the month, they were never met with much enthusiasm (maybe because they were never exciting unto themselves for most, but rather were swept along with other great things). Some of them even caused bitching – a joke-y comment about ‘wouldn’t it be cool if Gray Fox was playable?’ turned into a torrent of ‘why wasn’t Gray Fox playable??’ despite all common sense. The Great Whining affected all things.
It wasn’t until the very end of the month that we got some better stuff – the return of Events and some stages from Melee, but once again the excitement was stifled but general ill-feelings at that point. After so much greatness, it felt so weird for everyone to be sort of miserable. December wouldn’t necessarily fix that, but it was a better month over all.
One more thing: we got an update explaining Lucas’ special moves, which only furthered the “Will Lucas replace Ness?” debate. The update itself referred to Ness in the past tense, which contributed to the replaced side, but Lucas’ moves being different contributed to the for returning side. Of course, the debate would rage on for a few months more.

December 2007
Remember when this was the release date? Yeah, other people did as well. Even so, it wasn’t that much of a downer for people. Considering the frustration with the updates at that point, though, they really couldn’t get any worse off.
December was an improvement, though, in that there were a lot more exciting updates and general new stuff. There were still things that were scoffed at for being too technical – the options menu and online ‘sharing’, for example. But we also got some good things, too – Co-op Events, for example, the Coin Launcher mini-game, the Trophy stands concept, Kirby’s new hats, and other things. Some things even inspired some conversation and/or controversy!
The With Anyone/Basic Brawl update should have been rather tame, but it included the information that ‘most’ of the characters would be unlocked through the Adventure mode, which was an interesting development (the first real mention of the presence of secret characters, too, which no one thought wouldn’t happen, but worth mentioning all the same) The aforementioned Options update, although generally unappreciated, did unveil some of the other menus in the game, giving more ideas for how things in the game worked.
When the earlier online updates this month were posted showing the demo character select screen, some began to think that was the starting line-up, despite lacking some crucial characters (Kirby, for example, and Wario). With the ‘unlocking’ conditions mentioned earlier, they figured that the game would go Tekken and have tons of easily unlocked characters, whether they made sense as unlockable or not. Everyone pretty much ignored them, and the screen changed later when the full default select screen popped up.
One of the more controversial updates was “Overalls Wario”, the revelation that Wario would get his classic look alongside his WarioWare gear. Many people were hoping for alternative costumes for all characters, but this update, which said “But Wario alone is special” killed that idea cold. Some still clung to the possibility of a mistranslation, but nope, everything said the same thing. Oh well.
Strangely, there wasn’t that much of an outcry when two characters that had decent support as playables, Waluigi (why, I don’t know) and Stafy, were revealed as Assist Trophies. People usually got upset about these things, but there was hardly a peep. Must have been that ol’ Christmas spirit they were feeling.
There was also the Frigate Orpheon stage, which ended some dumb conspiracy theory about the developers of the game having some sort of grudge against Metroid Prime, apparently evident because of the lack of Prime-based content (they even nitpicked Samus’ design in the game, saying it looked more like the design in Super Metroid) and because in an interview with the Metroid Prime 3 team, they said no elements from the game were ‘borrowed’ from them for Smash.It was great that the Dojo once again shut people up.
Outside the Dojo, there was one important news item. After the announcement of Sonic, people were hungry for more third party characters. I mean, the site said they’d have two or three in total a year ago, didn’t it? The leader of the pack when it came to support was, as one would guess, Capcom’s Mega Man. I mean, he’d work perfectly, and be so fun (the people who said he’d be a clone of Samus obviously never played a Mega Man or Metroid game).
But alas, it was not to be. In an interview with MM creator Keiji Inafune, he was asked if Mega Man was in Brawl. Inafune said that “Nope. But wouldn’t that be great? Nintendo should call me, make it happen” (of course, not exactly like that). For most, this was all that needed – the game scheduled to be released in two months, not enough time for it to happen. Of course, there were some who refused to stop believing – “He might be throwing us a red herring!” they yelled. But we all knew the truth – there was no Mega Man in the game. Maybe another third party character would show up…
Before the beginning of the New Year, the Dojo announced it would be taking a weeklong break. People whined about it, but it might have been a good idea for poster and reader, giving us a week to relax and think about all that happened over the past year, while preparing for…the final countdown.

And that’s where 2007 ends. In the next instalment, get ready for massive revelations, mad ‘prophets’, and the truth, finally revealed.

DUMB ARGUMENTS AND OTHER DUMB THINGS:

-Some posters on a website that shall not remain nameless, NeoGAF, whined about the quality of music being posted on the Dojo. They thought it was too MIDI, wanted more orchestration, yadda yadda you get the deal. Some geniuses among them began to theorize that the samples were, in fact, not the real thing, but rather just an ‘overview’ of the song, which would end up being orchestrated. Yeah, think about the logic of THAT.

-Oh IGN, IGN, IGN…devoted much time and effort to keeping up with the latest news, but contained that air of fanboy prattling that makes me dislike the site so much. Their weekly ‘stories’ where they listed a group of possible characters became a staple, but not one that was read much.
IGN’s biggest contribution of bull to the speculation field, though, came from a statement where they nudge nudge wink winked us into thinking they had the inside information that were to be more third-party characters other than Sonic, and more than we were thinking. This turned out to be completely false, but thus is the quality of IGN’s rumormongering. How’s that new Kid Icarus announcement coming along?

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Monday, January 26, 2009

A BLACK DAY

The new Reese's Chocolate Bar, apparently limited edition, is out.

It is great. Huge, and with right kind of soft chocolate that creates the all-so desirable Reese's cup taste. Highly recommended before they disappear...without a trace!

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As you may have heard, The Dark Knight was not nominated for the Best Picture academy award, and Chris Nolan was not nominated Best Director. Frankly, I find this hilarious.

Now, I don't hate the movie (actually, I haven't seen it yet), nor have anything against the director, the writers, the actors, or any of the crew involved with its production. That's not the point. The point is: anything that makes nerds on the Internet outraged is inherently funny to me, so I actively support whatever measures screw with them.

Generally, nerds ignore the Oscars, because think they are stupid and pointless and don't actually reward quality films (they'd be right most of the time). But the time for scoffing at the awards ended when a Batman movie suddenly became critically acclaimed and a box office dynamo. When The Dark Knight became a contender, the nerds decided they needed to push it as much as possible; finally, one of "their" movies could be a winner, and thus them by association!

That's really all it is: geeks want to see their worthless lives validated by having an adaptation of a nerdy property win it big. It has nothing to do with film quality. Its all about them and their narrow minded obsessions.

So they decided to began to campaign. Up to the final nominee announcements, it really was up in the air whether or not the film would be nominated. It has that nerd factor against it, but on the other hand lots of people liked it, it made lots of money (its funny they keep bringing that up, because nominating movies because they made a lot of money is usually an argument for why the nominations suck), and one of its stars died which is so sad. I threw it in as a possible wild card, but wasn't really expecting it.

Then came the announcement, and while Ledger got a supporting actor nod (which he is guaranteed to win because he is dead and oh is it sad), but nothing else. The nerds RAAAGED. Raged as much rage as rage could rage. The academy suddenly became biased and stupid and THEY WILL REGRET THIS and blah blee blee bloo blah. This really isn't any different from any other Oscar season, but dammit they insulted the nerds DIRECTLY and they can't stand it.

Looking at the nomination list for best picture, only about half the movies really deserved it. While Slumdog Millionaire and Frost/Nixon were obvious and deserved (the former is gonna take it, BTW), Milk, Benjamin Button, and The Reader have been met with mixed critical opinions. Button is sort of a sad case because the one film that its great director has made with a nomination is one of his lowlier ones. And the latter movie was nominated possibly because two of its directors died, possibly. Not exactly an excellent award plate, but its standard procedure at this point.

One thing, though: I don't see many people whining about The Wrestler being left off, despite acclaim. I guess if it starred a man in a bat costume, it'd get more people behind it. Oh well.

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Dear God, the number of people whining "I want a new beat 'em up instead" or "I want them to re release Turtles in Time instead" when talking about the new TMNT fighting game is fucking grating. Do they just acquire one mindset about every franchise and are completely unable to exit it? I like the Turtle beat 'em ups, too, but I like the promise of a new good fighting game even more.

Gawwwwwwwwwd.

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Thursday, January 01, 2009

2008: GRRRRR

Well, you waited long enough. So here you go, the 10 things that were not so good in 2008. PREPARE FOR ANGRY.

Resident Evil 5 Controversy

All it took was one column...one column making the observation of "Hey, this game has a snow-white asshole going around gunning down poor black people. Think about it"...to send the nerds of the Internet into a uncontrollable explosion of rage and casual racism. Albeit, the same column's claim that "obviously no black people worked on this game" is a bit duh, because it's Japanese (which is really the explanation for the whole thing, as they Japanese still don't really 'get it'), but it doesn't excuse the pure, unbridled stupidity on display from many people in reaction. It only went to prove two of my own observations: that gamers can't take any criticism of their hobby, and that most nerds are kind of racist.
Later on, we get extra fun from this subject, with the game's developers unintentionally including a horrible AIDs metaphor, and the inclusion of an African sidekick, who as Yahtzee points out actually looks less black and more 'dipped in tea'.
The game? Oh yeah, it'll probably be good.

AICN

I've been avoiding this site for a while now, but I was unfortunately exposed to quite a few bits of it in 2008, and ohhh boy they were doozies. We began with that horrific man-mountain Harry Knowles getting an exclusive review of Cloverfield, giving us the expected hyperbolic statements of quality we expect from him. The movie itself, as we found out, was exceedingly mediocre to passable. In the summer, Harry followed up by blowing a gasket about the rumors of Will Smith playing Captain America (which would be kind of cool), and was relieved when it was confirmed that it was not the case, as if nuclear holocaust had been averted (more proof of my stated belief above).
Of course, those are the main two I say, and I made sure never to look back ever again after that. I'm sure if you took a few more peaks, you'd find lesser or equal stupidity on the part of Knowles and his nerdy men.

Videogame Websites

No, not all of them. I just needed something general to describe my two main targets: Kotaku and IGN.
Kotaku should be a good tool for getting all your game news in one place, but to find it you have to wade through a ton of personal crap, including that aggravating loser whose only purpose is to be 'the guy who lives in Japan', which I'm sure is the wet dream of the site's readership. Speaking of the readership, shit like this, this, this, and this are even worse when you read some of the comments. I mean, it's just really horrible.
IGN is quickly becoming the AICN of the videogame world (even more than Kotaku), and I'm getting that vibe strictly from the Nintendo half, where every week is Matt C. has a fanboy spasm and still thinks we believe he has 'insider info' about a new Kid Icarus which has apparently been scheduled to be revealed at every trade show for the past 500 years or so. The site's review for Super Smash Bros. Brawl annoyed me with just a few lines whining about third party character inclusions (the dumb character selection complaining may be as bad as any hysterical tantrums thrown by hardcore tourney players not getting the exact game they wanted). They also whined about the original enemies in the Adventure mode, too, but to be fair, so did the cast of the 1Up Show. The 9.9 handjob for MGS4 a few months later was only the icing on the stupid cake that is IGN.

Prop 8

And even with the election hyping a new direction in the course of American politics, a largely pro-democrat state also happens to take away the rights of many of its citizens for no reason other than bigotry. When CALIFORNIA decides it doesn't like gay people more than Massachusetts, a state that is well-known almost exclusively for witch burnings, you know there's a problem.

Franchise Revivals

Both Indiana Jones and the X-Files tried to make a comeback in 2008, both decrepit, dancing for quarters from the audience; it was sad. At least the former has a reasonable enough explanation for its failure: George Lucas can ruin anything within in his general vicinity. But the new X-Files movie? It seems that the creative staff decided that the best possible way to bring it back was to eschew the conspiracy storyline (which was a good idea) and instead make about some gay lovers making a transsexual Frankenstein monster and the Priest who helps track them down with his molestation-based telepathy (not a good idea). Maybe they were infected with George Lucas?
On a lesser scale, but still in the same vein: it really is disheartening to hear about the diminishing returns of the Futurama movies. It was a brilliant series, and Bender's Big Score was decent fun...so what the hell happened? There have been a few logical ideas of why the movies dipped, it's still so very very sad. I can only hope for a miracle to save Wild Green Yonder from the same fate.

Twilight

I first encountered the Twilight books back in August, and was so disgusted by the premise of Breaking Dawn that I instantly grew to loathe everything related to it and ridicule it whenever possible. Then I found out about the movie. Then my mom started reading the books. It's been a nonstop torrent of this fan fiction-level vampire melodrama since then.

Canadian Politics

First, the Conservatives spend the first half of the year introducing many many bad laws. Then in the fall, suddenly there's an election! Everything was destined to stay the same, because the Liberals spent their time as opposition picking their noses and being scared by their own shadows (but at the same time, most of the country won't give majority power to a friend of Bush). Some amusing things happened, but overall it was standard.
Then came the Coalition incident, and now it was time for massive spin-doctoring as I've never seen up here. The fact that the people BOUGHT a lot of the bullshit fed to them reveals that the Canadian populace doesn't know their own political system as well as I thought. Hey, we can be idiots, too!

Awesome People Dying

George Carlin? Dead. Bo Diddley? Dead. Isaac Hayes? Dead. Stan Winston? Dead. Steve Gerber? Deceased. David Foster Wallace? Pushing daisies. Sho'Nuff? Oh, you better believe he's dead.

Seriously, that is awful. So many good people, artists and entertainers, no longer able to give us stuff. It is inevitable, but it still stings.

Slurpees

This may have only been in the latter months of 2008, but the closest 7-11 to me (the one I can walk to) has been going through a terrible period where there Pepsi slurpees tasted dreadful, and then they took the only viable option, Dr. Pepper, away. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that the Pepsi slurpees became decent again, but Dr. Pepper is still on hiatus. How am I going to continue killing myself with sugar when shit like this happens?

Republicans

Holy, did the voter crowds become downright INSANE in the latter days before the election. Apparently, the protected-from-witches Republican VP did indeed energize the base...unfortunately, the base was an angry, paranoid mob. And I don't know whether to feel sorry or despise John McCain, who would try to rise above his eventual pool of support and then pander to it. This whole thing was very sad and infuriating, but I'll leave the real details for the big boy blogs, if you decide to seek them out.

I mean, I spent most of this list making fun of game nerds.

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