Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Silly Picture, Silly Story

Seen here is a rare illustration from the early 20th century, recounting one of the greatest battles to ever occur. Some people have mistaken this image for a political cartoon, but I am one of the few to know better. In fact, I'm the only one who knows better. What does that tell you about me?

In the year Nineteen-Hundred and five (there's probably a few X's in there somewhere), deep in the jungles of some country in South America (I don't care which one), the evil conquistador Pablo Melendez Aguirre Cortez Lecheros schemed to take over the United States of America! Using a combination of alien technology and black Mayan magic, he fused man and machine into horrific creatures called THE LOCO-MEN. With his army ready, Lecheros marched towards the north, prepared for a full-scale invasion of the United States of America!

Back in the United States of America! Their fearless leader, Teddy Roosevelt, with his powers granted to him by the Wizard Shazam, was flying around helping the people of his country. Using his mighty strength to move boulders from the farmer's fields, his hurricane breath to halt vast forest fires, and his icy breath to give children of the south the ability to enjoy winter fun and throw snowballs at the colored kids. When suddenly...

Use his super hearing, Roosevelt detected mass marching from the Southern borders of the United States of America! Flying to the source of the sound, he sees the armies of Loco-Men heading towards his great country, led by the evil conquistador Lucheros! Roosevelt then attempted to call his teammates in the Justice Lodge, but alas, they were out on their own missions. Looks like this threat is his to stop by himself!

Sweeping towards the colossal army, Roosevelt knocks several of the Loco-Men off their feet. He lands amongst their masses, and the battle begins! Using his unparalleled power, Roosevelt bashes the rampaging machine monsters left and right, wrestling them into submission and then throwing them back where they came from. This battle went on for quite some time. Soon enough, however, Roosevelt had defeated the legion of Loco-Men, leaving only him and the now companionless Lucheros. But Lucheros had other plans, most of which involved not getting clobbered by Roosevelt, and using one of his magic smoke bombs, he was enveloped in a grey cloud, and when it cleared, he was gone.

Although Lucheros escaped, Roosevelt know they would meet again. Many times, in fact. Each involving even more ludicrous situations than the last, and each ending exactly the same. But thus is the life of a great American hero, who's archenemy happens to be a Spanish conquistador with access to alien technology and black Mayan magic. The day, and the United States of America!, was safe once again, thanks to THEODORE ROOSEVELT!

Too awesome for textbooks, I say.



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